Friday | October 24, 2014
Christina Aguilera Declares Victory Over Britney
File photo of Britney Spears during her more attractive, less white trashy days.

NEW YORK CITY (CAP) - Seeking vindication in a rivalry that dates back to their time together in "The Mickey Mouse Club", Christina Aguilera yesterday officially declared victory over Britney Spears.

Aguilera, once often pegged as the tart to Spears' teen sweetheart, pointed to overwhelming evidence that she was ultimately the better looking, more talented and actually more stable of the duo.

Augilera chose this week to vanquish Spears as she released the double CD Back To Basics that included soulful versions of jazz-inspired standards, while Spears plopped herself on the cover of Harper's Bazaar looking very pregnant and mildly retarded.

"When you look back now doesn't it seem kind of ridiculous that Britney was ever the front-runner here?" said an Aguilera publicist. "It was like saying the Monkees had it over the Rolling Stones."

Aguilera began her transition toward a soft-core porn image earlier than Spears to much greater success. While her alter ego X-Tina pushed the boundry of her bubble gum beginnings, Spears was still singing Email My Heart. By the time Spears did the heal turn, pop culture experts agreed that Aguilera already had seized control of the water cooler cat fight.

"During Brit's last concert tour you felt like every ticket sold should come with a free bug strip and a pack of smokes," the publicist sneered.

Aguilera celebrated the announcement with a champagne gala while she did sirring renditions of Billie Holliday songs.

Spears, seemingly confused as always, responded angrily:

"She's just jealous she didn't land a real man like Kevin," said Spears in her trademark nasally whine, admittedly unaware of Federline's whereabouts for the past four days. "Darnit, I got another bleach stain on my sweat pants. I gotta go find my kid. He must be out playing on the dirt lawn again."

- CAP News Staff

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