Saturday | April 18, 2015
Christina Aguilera Declares Victory Over Britney
File photo of Britney Spears during her more attractive, less white trashy days.

NEW YORK CITY (CAP) - Seeking vindication in a rivalry that dates back to their time together in "The Mickey Mouse Club", Christina Aguilera yesterday officially declared victory over Britney Spears.

Aguilera, once often pegged as the tart to Spears' teen sweetheart, pointed to overwhelming evidence that she was ultimately the better looking, more talented and actually more stable of the duo.

Augilera chose this week to vanquish Spears as she released the double CD Back To Basics that included soulful versions of jazz-inspired standards, while Spears plopped herself on the cover of Harper's Bazaar looking very pregnant and mildly retarded.

"When you look back now doesn't it seem kind of ridiculous that Britney was ever the front-runner here?" said an Aguilera publicist. "It was like saying the Monkees had it over the Rolling Stones."

Aguilera began her transition toward a soft-core porn image earlier than Spears to much greater success. While her alter ego X-Tina pushed the boundry of her bubble gum beginnings, Spears was still singing Email My Heart. By the time Spears did the heal turn, pop culture experts agreed that Aguilera already had seized control of the water cooler cat fight.

"During Brit's last concert tour you felt like every ticket sold should come with a free bug strip and a pack of smokes," the publicist sneered.

Aguilera celebrated the announcement with a champagne gala while she did sirring renditions of Billie Holliday songs.

Spears, seemingly confused as always, responded angrily:

"She's just jealous she didn't land a real man like Kevin," said Spears in her trademark nasally whine, admittedly unaware of Federline's whereabouts for the past four days. "Darnit, I got another bleach stain on my sweat pants. I gotta go find my kid. He must be out playing on the dirt lawn again."

- CAP News Staff

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Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»