Wednesday | September 2, 2015
Castro: Queen Of Cuba

HAVANA, Cuba (CAP) - Rumors of Fidel Castro's intestinal surgery were shot down earlier this week when the Cuban dictator appeared in public sporting, oh, what's the word?

Tits.

"To the Cuban people, I say, you have a new queen," Mrs. Castro said in an official statement. "To the American oppressive forces, I say, okay, you basically suck, but your president has a very nice ass."

Many in the intelligence community see a kindler, gentler, nurturing, vagina-driven Cuba in the future. Others aren't so sure.

"Oh yeah, Castro as a bitch - lovely," said Undersecretary of State Steve Delagado. "Will he get PMS? Menopause? He is 80. It just creates new problems that we aren't prepared to deal with. Oh, and by the way, the Prada boycott still stands."

The US intelligence community isn't alone in trying to come to grips with this latest development.

Katherine Harris and Tammy Faye Messner have reportedly deleted their phone numbers after repeated make-up emergency calls. Conservatives in Cuba have been fleeing the country in boats en-masse after "Fidella" took over. But no one has had it as bad as Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.

"Fidella has long had a thing for President Chavez," said Castro spokesman Manuel Castrato. "She lost her el bittos for the Venezuelan president, and now, Chavez won't even return her calls. It's like Romeo and Juan, all over again."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «»