Sunday | March 1, 2015
Castro: Queen Of Cuba

HAVANA, Cuba (CAP) - Rumors of Fidel Castro's intestinal surgery were shot down earlier this week when the Cuban dictator appeared in public sporting, oh, what's the word?

Tits.

"To the Cuban people, I say, you have a new queen," Mrs. Castro said in an official statement. "To the American oppressive forces, I say, okay, you basically suck, but your president has a very nice ass."

Many in the intelligence community see a kindler, gentler, nurturing, vagina-driven Cuba in the future. Others aren't so sure.

"Oh yeah, Castro as a bitch - lovely," said Undersecretary of State Steve Delagado. "Will he get PMS? Menopause? He is 80. It just creates new problems that we aren't prepared to deal with. Oh, and by the way, the Prada boycott still stands."

The US intelligence community isn't alone in trying to come to grips with this latest development.

Katherine Harris and Tammy Faye Messner have reportedly deleted their phone numbers after repeated make-up emergency calls. Conservatives in Cuba have been fleeing the country in boats en-masse after "Fidella" took over. But no one has had it as bad as Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.

"Fidella has long had a thing for President Chavez," said Castro spokesman Manuel Castrato. "She lost her el bittos for the Venezuelan president, and now, Chavez won't even return her calls. It's like Romeo and Juan, all over again."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»