Friday | January 30, 2015
Castro: Queen Of Cuba

HAVANA, Cuba (CAP) - Rumors of Fidel Castro's intestinal surgery were shot down earlier this week when the Cuban dictator appeared in public sporting, oh, what's the word?

Tits.

"To the Cuban people, I say, you have a new queen," Mrs. Castro said in an official statement. "To the American oppressive forces, I say, okay, you basically suck, but your president has a very nice ass."

Many in the intelligence community see a kindler, gentler, nurturing, vagina-driven Cuba in the future. Others aren't so sure.

"Oh yeah, Castro as a bitch - lovely," said Undersecretary of State Steve Delagado. "Will he get PMS? Menopause? He is 80. It just creates new problems that we aren't prepared to deal with. Oh, and by the way, the Prada boycott still stands."

The US intelligence community isn't alone in trying to come to grips with this latest development.

Katherine Harris and Tammy Faye Messner have reportedly deleted their phone numbers after repeated make-up emergency calls. Conservatives in Cuba have been fleeing the country in boats en-masse after "Fidella" took over. But no one has had it as bad as Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.

"Fidella has long had a thing for President Chavez," said Castro spokesman Manuel Castrato. "She lost her el bittos for the Venezuelan president, and now, Chavez won't even return her calls. It's like Romeo and Juan, all over again."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «»