Saturday | December 20, 2014
Castro: Queen Of Cuba

HAVANA, Cuba (CAP) - Rumors of Fidel Castro's intestinal surgery were shot down earlier this week when the Cuban dictator appeared in public sporting, oh, what's the word?

Tits.

"To the Cuban people, I say, you have a new queen," Mrs. Castro said in an official statement. "To the American oppressive forces, I say, okay, you basically suck, but your president has a very nice ass."

Many in the intelligence community see a kindler, gentler, nurturing, vagina-driven Cuba in the future. Others aren't so sure.

"Oh yeah, Castro as a bitch - lovely," said Undersecretary of State Steve Delagado. "Will he get PMS? Menopause? He is 80. It just creates new problems that we aren't prepared to deal with. Oh, and by the way, the Prada boycott still stands."

The US intelligence community isn't alone in trying to come to grips with this latest development.

Katherine Harris and Tammy Faye Messner have reportedly deleted their phone numbers after repeated make-up emergency calls. Conservatives in Cuba have been fleeing the country in boats en-masse after "Fidella" took over. But no one has had it as bad as Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez.

"Fidella has long had a thing for President Chavez," said Castro spokesman Manuel Castrato. "She lost her el bittos for the Venezuelan president, and now, Chavez won't even return her calls. It's like Romeo and Juan, all over again."

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»