Thursday | April 24, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@MileyCyrus #BarefootAndPregnant
Miley Cyrus named White Trash Queen 2013 winner
FROM THE VAULT
April 22, 2009
Liberal Gun-Hoarding On The RiseLiberal Gun-Hoarding On The Rise
Fake Advertisement

FASHION

Retailers Launch Line Of Terrorist Clothing
Retailers Launch Line Of Terrorist Clothing

MALL OF AMERICA, Minn. (CAP) - Seeking to bring a dose of American capitalism to 11th century Arab culture, a retail conglomerate - including Spencer Gifts, Fred's Threads and Federated Department Stores - plans to soon unveil the "Hezbollah and Herzbollah" matching designer collection.

The line will feature clothing and accessories for the modern, on-the-go terrorist family.

"Gone are the days when terrorism was all about a bunch of bearded 20-year-old men spending their time plotting to blow up icons of Western Civilization simply to surpress their latent homosexual tendencies," said fashion designer Michael Kors.

Retailers Launch Line Of Terrorist Clothing

"Gone are the days when terrorism was all about a bunch of bearded 20-year-old men spending their time plotting to blow up icons of Western Civilization simply to surpress their latent homosexual tendencies," said fashion designer Michael Kors.

"Killing innocent Jews and Christians has gone mainstream and gosh darnit if we are not going to hop on our dingy and ride along," Kors added with a giggle.

Included in the collection are the charm bracelet that doubles as a remote roadside explosive detonation device, the stylish leather backpack perfectly tailored to propel medium-range missiles and the "Hezbollah and Herzbollah" 100 percent worsted wool suit separates that keep you both stylish and inconspicuous during that well-planned suicide bombing.

The collection should be in stores in time for the Christmas, Hannukah and Ramadan shopping seasons.


- CAP News Staff

MORE business NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»