Thursday | September 3, 2015
Retailers Launch Line Of Terrorist Clothing

MALL OF AMERICA, Minn. (CAP) - Seeking to bring a dose of American capitalism to 11th century Arab culture, a retail conglomerate - including Spencer Gifts, Fred's Threads and Federated Department Stores - plans to soon unveil the "Hezbollah and Herzbollah" matching designer collection.

The line will feature clothing and accessories for the modern, on-the-go terrorist family.

"Gone are the days when terrorism was all about a bunch of bearded 20-year-old men spending their time plotting to blow up icons of Western Civilization simply to surpress their latent homosexual tendencies," said fashion designer Michael Kors.

"Killing innocent Jews and Christians has gone mainstream and gosh darnit if we are not going to hop on our dingy and ride along," Kors added with a giggle.

Included in the collection are the charm bracelet that doubles as a remote roadside explosive detonation device, the stylish leather backpack perfectly tailored to propel medium-range missiles and the "Hezbollah and Herzbollah" 100 percent worsted wool suit separates that keep you both stylish and inconspicuous during that well-planned suicide bombing.

The collection should be in stores in time for the Christmas, Hannukah and Ramadan shopping seasons.

- CAP News Staff

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Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»