Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Bush Finally Agrees To Address NAMBLA
President Bush announces the recipient of the 2006 Michael Jackson NAMBLA Man Of The Year award at the group's recent conference.

JAMAICA, NY (CAP) - With a toast of champagne to the men and a tip of the hat to the boys, George W. Bush became the first sitting president to speak at the annual convention of the North American Man-Boy Love Association. Members hope he's not the last.

"After the President finally gave in to the NAACP, the phones rang off the hook," said White House Press Secretary Tony Snow. "OSHA, PETA, RIF - but we decided to start with NAMBLA. President Bush loves the kids - he'd do anything for them."

During the speech, President Bush outlined his "No child from behind" initiative and said he would seek federal funding for the group to make up for its 2007 budget shortfall. Bush noted that while membership has been down in past years, recent advances on the internet should help them make up ground quickly.

Bush also lamented the fact that he never had a son, and said he wished groups like NAMBLA existed when he was a boy seeking direction in his life.

"We as a society worry every day who's keeping an eye on our children," President Bush told the crowd before leading them in a rendition of Camptown Races. "You are. You are watching out for them. And for that, I say thank you."

Members extended an offer to Bush to join them in this week-end's campout at Juniper Woods in the Catskills. However, the President declined, saying he had a brush-clearing ceremony to oversee at his ranch in Crawford, Tex.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»