Sunday | April 19, 2015
Acme Widgets Heralds Near-Record Loss
Acme Widget budget numbers pretty much tell the story

OMAHA, Neb. (CAP) - The Omaha-based Acme Widget Company is applauding the fact that they will only lose $296 million this year, down from a predicted $423 million.

"I'm ecstatic!" said Acme CEO Robert Edwardson. "And our workers should be, too! We only had to lay off 50 employees instead of the projected 75, so instead of a blood letting, it's more like just a minor laceration.

"It also means my bonus remains relatively intact, so my kids will still have a good Christmas," Edwardson added.

Edwardson spoke to CAP News at a special Omaha block party organized to celebrate the shortfall, the fourth largest in company history.

"This is a vindication of my stewardship, a sure sign that we're only losing quarts of blood per quarter, not gallons," Edwardson said between limbo attempts.

The news is good for the widget company, which has been trying to open up widget markets around the world. International widget financiers reacted positively to the negative news, promising to move company stocks from sell to hold.

The Obama administration was quick to pounce on the news and claim it as a sign that the economic stimulus packages laid out in recent years are finally working.

"The president firmly believes that you can lose a shitload of money, so long as you lose less than you originally claimed you would," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. "Business people know this, that losing money is good, that, uh, break a few eggs to make an omelette, and trickle down - look, a purple bunny!"

CAP News reporter Bobby R. Walters was unable to catch Mr. Carney to ask a follow-up question.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»