Tuesday | March 31, 2015
Acme Widgets Heralds Near-Record Loss
Acme Widget budget numbers pretty much tell the story

OMAHA, Neb. (CAP) - The Omaha-based Acme Widget Company is applauding the fact that they will only lose $296 million this year, down from a predicted $423 million.

"I'm ecstatic!" said Acme CEO Robert Edwardson. "And our workers should be, too! We only had to lay off 50 employees instead of the projected 75, so instead of a blood letting, it's more like just a minor laceration.

"It also means my bonus remains relatively intact, so my kids will still have a good Christmas," Edwardson added.

Edwardson spoke to CAP News at a special Omaha block party organized to celebrate the shortfall, the fourth largest in company history.

"This is a vindication of my stewardship, a sure sign that we're only losing quarts of blood per quarter, not gallons," Edwardson said between limbo attempts.

The news is good for the widget company, which has been trying to open up widget markets around the world. International widget financiers reacted positively to the negative news, promising to move company stocks from sell to hold.

The Obama administration was quick to pounce on the news and claim it as a sign that the economic stimulus packages laid out in recent years are finally working.

"The president firmly believes that you can lose a shitload of money, so long as you lose less than you originally claimed you would," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. "Business people know this, that losing money is good, that, uh, break a few eggs to make an omelette, and trickle down - look, a purple bunny!"

CAP News reporter Bobby R. Walters was unable to catch Mr. Carney to ask a follow-up question.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»