Sunday | December 21, 2014
Acme Widgets Heralds Near-Record Loss
Acme Widget budget numbers pretty much tell the story

OMAHA, Neb. (CAP) - The Omaha-based Acme Widget Company is applauding the fact that they will only lose $296 million this year, down from a predicted $423 million.

"I'm ecstatic!" said Acme CEO Robert Edwardson. "And our workers should be, too! We only had to lay off 50 employees instead of the projected 75, so instead of a blood letting, it's more like just a minor laceration.

"It also means my bonus remains relatively intact, so my kids will still have a good Christmas," Edwardson added.

Edwardson spoke to CAP News at a special Omaha block party organized to celebrate the shortfall, the fourth largest in company history.

"This is a vindication of my stewardship, a sure sign that we're only losing quarts of blood per quarter, not gallons," Edwardson said between limbo attempts.

The news is good for the widget company, which has been trying to open up widget markets around the world. International widget financiers reacted positively to the negative news, promising to move company stocks from sell to hold.

The Obama administration was quick to pounce on the news and claim it as a sign that the economic stimulus packages laid out in recent years are finally working.

"The president firmly believes that you can lose a shitload of money, so long as you lose less than you originally claimed you would," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. "Business people know this, that losing money is good, that, uh, break a few eggs to make an omelette, and trickle down - look, a purple bunny!"

CAP News reporter Bobby R. Walters was unable to catch Mr. Carney to ask a follow-up question.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «»
Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «»