Friday | November 28, 2014
Acme Widgets Heralds Near-Record Loss
Acme Widget budget numbers pretty much tell the story

OMAHA, Neb. (CAP) - The Omaha-based Acme Widget Company is applauding the fact that they will only lose $296 million this year, down from a predicted $423 million.

"I'm ecstatic!" said Acme CEO Robert Edwardson. "And our workers should be, too! We only had to lay off 50 employees instead of the projected 75, so instead of a blood letting, it's more like just a minor laceration.

"It also means my bonus remains relatively intact, so my kids will still have a good Christmas," Edwardson added.

Edwardson spoke to CAP News at a special Omaha block party organized to celebrate the shortfall, the fourth largest in company history.

"This is a vindication of my stewardship, a sure sign that we're only losing quarts of blood per quarter, not gallons," Edwardson said between limbo attempts.

The news is good for the widget company, which has been trying to open up widget markets around the world. International widget financiers reacted positively to the negative news, promising to move company stocks from sell to hold.

The Obama administration was quick to pounce on the news and claim it as a sign that the economic stimulus packages laid out in recent years are finally working.

"The president firmly believes that you can lose a shitload of money, so long as you lose less than you originally claimed you would," said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. "Business people know this, that losing money is good, that, uh, break a few eggs to make an omelette, and trickle down - look, a purple bunny!"

CAP News reporter Bobby R. Walters was unable to catch Mr. Carney to ask a follow-up question.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» Kmart asks employees to celebrate Thanksgiving the weekend before so they can work on Thanksgiving itself «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «»