Friday | April 29, 2016
Lay Offered Stock Options In Hell
Ooh, pretty hot there in Hell, eh?

HELL (CAP) - Enron founder Kenneth Lay has been offered the opportunity to invest heavily in hell, according Satan, the Adversary of Mankind.

"We're really letting Ken in on the ground floor of hell," said Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness. "Hell is really doing fabulously right now and we're happy that someone of Ken's stature will be able to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity."

According to Lucifer, Lay will be able to invest his immortal soul in exchange for stock options and an ironclad pension plan. "This is a sure thing," said the devil, slowly twirling the edges of his pencil-thin handlebar moustache. "Chances of him losing his soul and spending eternity being slowly roasted on a spit like a stuck pig are practically nil."

Lay, who had just arrived in hell and was still getting his room assignment, declined to comment. But Sheldon Tuckman, professor of theology at Tufts University, cautioned that the ancient serpent's offer may not be all that it seems.

"With the devil, there's always some catch," explained Tuckman, citing the film "Oh God! You Devil" (1984), featuring George Burns as both God and Satan, each of them battling for the soul of Ted Wass. "You know, Blossom's dad," said Tuckman.

Besides, Tuckman said, given that Lay cheated thousands of Enron employees out of their jobs, health care and life savings, it would be just like the devil to force him to make a bad investment that costs him his soul and results in his eternal suffering in a pit of blazing hellfire.

"Mephistopheles is big on irony," he noted.

- CAP News Staff

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