Monday | December 22, 2014
Lay Offered Stock Options In Hell
Ooh, pretty hot there in Hell, eh?

HELL (CAP) - Enron founder Kenneth Lay has been offered the opportunity to invest heavily in hell, according Satan, the Adversary of Mankind.

"We're really letting Ken in on the ground floor of hell," said Beelzebub, the Prince of Darkness. "Hell is really doing fabulously right now and we're happy that someone of Ken's stature will be able to take advantage of this once-in-a-lifetime investment opportunity."

According to Lucifer, Lay will be able to invest his immortal soul in exchange for stock options and an ironclad pension plan. "This is a sure thing," said the devil, slowly twirling the edges of his pencil-thin handlebar moustache. "Chances of him losing his soul and spending eternity being slowly roasted on a spit like a stuck pig are practically nil."

Lay, who had just arrived in hell and was still getting his room assignment, declined to comment. But Sheldon Tuckman, professor of theology at Tufts University, cautioned that the ancient serpent's offer may not be all that it seems.

"With the devil, there's always some catch," explained Tuckman, citing the film "Oh God! You Devil" (1984), featuring George Burns as both God and Satan, each of them battling for the soul of Ted Wass. "You know, Blossom's dad," said Tuckman.

Besides, Tuckman said, given that Lay cheated thousands of Enron employees out of their jobs, health care and life savings, it would be just like the devil to force him to make a bad investment that costs him his soul and results in his eternal suffering in a pit of blazing hellfire.

"Mephistopheles is big on irony," he noted.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE business NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2014 BY CAP NEWS
UPS seeks volunteers to celebrate Christmas on Saturday to buy themselves some wiggle room for delivering packages, says they would "really appreciate it" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «»
UPS seeks volunteers to celebrate Christmas on Saturday to buy themselves some wiggle room for delivering packages, says they would "really appreciate it" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «»