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John Kerry Claims Mexican Victory
MEXICO CITY (CAP) - While Mexican officials continue to tally votes from their presidential election, word out of Washington, DC is that there has been a shift in power in that Central American country. Once and future Palestinian leader John Kerry is now claiming victory.
"Yeah, the whole Palestinian thing didn't work out," said Kerry as he donned a rebozo in preparation for a trip south. "Turns out they don't really like Americans. Who knew. So, I'm off to Mexico."
Democratic leaders lauded the Mexicans for saving what looked to be a dismal election season in the United States for the political party.
"Yeah, we were going nowhere fast this year," said Sen. Harry Reid, D-Nev. "Sure, we may lose a seat in Iowa or one in West Virginia, but dude - Mexico. That's big."
"We always knew Kerry was pretty much on the fence," said Rep. James Sensenbrenner, R-Wis. "We just had no idea it was the one that runs between the U.S. and Mexico."
Mexican presidential candidates Felipe Calderon and Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador expressed confusion over the turn of events. Obrador said he thought Kerry perished in the Great Massachusetts Flood of 2006.
"The only - how you say, correlation? - I can find between our two governments is our apathy toward drugs," said Calderon. "We don't send our people into America to do their jobs, why would - oh, wait."
Mexican officials said the election was held on a Sunday to allow residents time to sneak back over the border, cast their vote, and then get back into the United States in time to get to work on Monday morning.