SATIRE

With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «» The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Venezuela has devalued its currency for the fifth time in nine years on word that the country is facing a shortage of talented prostitutes on the streets. Tourism officials fear a dip in the nation's hooker quality index following the death of president Hugo Chavez could permanently damage their industry. «» The State Department is planning to send Dr. Phil to North Korea to see if he can determine "what has Kim Jong-un's panties all in bunch." Critics counter that the U.S. should send Steve Wilkos so if talking doesn't work, he can simply "pound the living shit" out of Kim. «» Christians the world over are breathing a sigh of relief today after violence between Muslims and Buddhists in Indonesia left eight dead. "Naturally we don't want to see anyone get hurt," said the Christians. "But have to admit, it's nice to see the Muslims killing someone else for a change." «» Caroline Kennedy has accepted President Obama's appointment as U.S. ambassador to Japan, asking him, "Is that the place that keeps trying to blow us up?" He assured her it was not, telling CAP News, "We're definitely scraping the bottom of the Kennedy gene pool here. At least it's only Japan." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»

With the recent flight of its fifth manned space mission, China is poised to become the first nation to successfully launch a fully operational orbiting forced labor camp. Astronauts on board the country's space station module will spend two years testing the effects of weightlessness on human rights abuses. «» The Pentagon is accusing Chinese cyberspies of hacking the Twitter accounts of thousands of teenage girls after a flurry of mean, vindictive tweets surfaced. "We knew no one would ever purposefully post such awful things about their own friends," said one official. "So we figured it had to be China." «» The UN has awarded North Korea Most Angry Nation status, elevating the Asian state alongside the likes of Syria, Iran and Israel. The new standing affords Kim Jong Un complimentary anger management counseling as well as a coupon for a free hug from a world leader of his choice. «» Venezuela has devalued its currency for the fifth time in nine years on word that the country is facing a shortage of talented prostitutes on the streets. Tourism officials fear a dip in the nation's hooker quality index following the death of president Hugo Chavez could permanently damage their industry. «» The State Department is planning to send Dr. Phil to North Korea to see if he can determine "what has Kim Jong-un's panties all in bunch." Critics counter that the U.S. should send Steve Wilkos so if talking doesn't work, he can simply "pound the living shit" out of Kim. «» Christians the world over are breathing a sigh of relief today after violence between Muslims and Buddhists in Indonesia left eight dead. "Naturally we don't want to see anyone get hurt," said the Christians. "But have to admit, it's nice to see the Muslims killing someone else for a change." «» Caroline Kennedy has accepted President Obama's appointment as U.S. ambassador to Japan, asking him, "Is that the place that keeps trying to blow us up?" He assured her it was not, telling CAP News, "We're definitely scraping the bottom of the Kennedy gene pool here. At least it's only Japan." «» President Obama has announced that Hispanics will be the next ethnic group unfairly targeted with racial profiling by federal law enforcement agencies. "We've done a pretty good number on Muslims over the past decade," Obama said. "I think it's time America took on a new challenge and broadened our horizons." «» New data released from the leaked NSA telephone surveillance tapes reveals that Americans are ordering out for pizza at an alarming rate yet not calling their mothers nearly as much as they should. However, hour-long conversations with fathers explaining how to open a Word document remain at an all-time high. «» A new study finds that teenagers who regularly use a baby pacifier are 95% less likely to become bullies than those who don't. The positive results come on the heels of Michelle Obama's new Binkies For Bullies program that aims to reduce incidents of bullying by turning perpetrators into targets. «»