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WASHINGTON (CAP) - America's Founding Fathers rose from the dead this week to present President George W. Bush with a "hearty bitch-slap," according to Founding Fathers spokesman John Adams (1735-1826).
"Frankly, we could not stand by and watch this anymore," said Adams, odd bits of flesh falling from his rotting yet remarkably well-preserved carcass. "It was hard enough to sit by and watch Warren G. Harding, but we're pretty sure he didn't just make everything up off the top of his head like this ninny."
Adams is being joined on his mission by several other living-dead Founding Fathers, including George Washington (1732-1799), Thomas Jefferson (1743-1826), John Hancock (1737-1793) and George Mason (???). "Frankly, we're not quite sure who invited Mason," said Washington. "He claims he wrote the Bill of Rights, but I always thought that was Madison."
According to Adams, the Founding Fathers plan to take turns bitch-slapping Bush for what they see as his infractions against the Constitution they "spent a lot of time working on." They cite Bush's authorization of inhumane treatment of prisoners, his abrogation of treaties and his orders for secret surveillance. "Also, we have a suspicion he may be addled," said Jefferson.
While the zombie patriots say their bitch slaps will be "forceful" and "well-cleaved," they have no plans to dine on Bush's flesh like the zombies in "Dawn Of The Dead". "Homey don't play that," said the skeletal remains of Hancock, prompting Adams to note that Hancock had been spending his spare time since his resurrection watching the first season of "In Living Color" on DVD.
Also, in an effort to show that the bitch-slap effort is non-partisan, the reanimated framers plan to hold down Ted Kennedy and give him repeated noogies. "Fabulous invention, the noogie," noted Jefferson.
The Founding Fathers have also taken this opportunity to clear up several other issues.
"For one, that Second Amendment didn't mean that everyone should go out and get a gun. Everyone will wind up with their heads blown off!" said Adams. "On the other hand, nativity scenes on public property are fine with us. Except not those life-sized plastic ones with the lights inside - that's just tacky."