Saturday | April 18, 2015
Mr T To Replace Star Jones Reynolds

NEW YORK (CAP) - Mere days after Star Jones Reynolds told Barbara Walters that regardless of what tree she wished to be she just wanted to leave, Walters has found another quirky black person to take her place.

"Mr. T will bring a little bling, a little 70's street cred to The View," Walters said. "Add our dyke to that, and we'll be the edgiest show on television."

Mr. T. follows Rosie O'Donnell as the latest addition to The View, a show in constant flux, much like stomach acid. The former A-Team alum seems to have embraced his latest role.

"Ah pity The View," T said at a recent press meet and greet. "T gonna show those bitches how it's done. T ain't gonna get his stomach stapled - contract said he can't. T gonna rule the roost."

Mr. T starts as soon as the show is able to clear the liposuction residue left in his (formerly Star's) dressing room.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»