Sunday | November 23, 2014
Mr T To Replace Star Jones Reynolds

NEW YORK (CAP) - Mere days after Star Jones Reynolds told Barbara Walters that regardless of what tree she wished to be she just wanted to leave, Walters has found another quirky black person to take her place.

"Mr. T will bring a little bling, a little 70's street cred to The View," Walters said. "Add our dyke to that, and we'll be the edgiest show on television."

Mr. T. follows Rosie O'Donnell as the latest addition to The View, a show in constant flux, much like stomach acid. The former A-Team alum seems to have embraced his latest role.

"Ah pity The View," T said at a recent press meet and greet. "T gonna show those bitches how it's done. T ain't gonna get his stomach stapled - contract said he can't. T gonna rule the roost."

Mr. T starts as soon as the show is able to clear the liposuction residue left in his (formerly Star's) dressing room.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «»