Friday | December 19, 2014
Mr T To Replace Star Jones Reynolds

NEW YORK (CAP) - Mere days after Star Jones Reynolds told Barbara Walters that regardless of what tree she wished to be she just wanted to leave, Walters has found another quirky black person to take her place.

"Mr. T will bring a little bling, a little 70's street cred to The View," Walters said. "Add our dyke to that, and we'll be the edgiest show on television."

Mr. T. follows Rosie O'Donnell as the latest addition to The View, a show in constant flux, much like stomach acid. The former A-Team alum seems to have embraced his latest role.

"Ah pity The View," T said at a recent press meet and greet. "T gonna show those bitches how it's done. T ain't gonna get his stomach stapled - contract said he can't. T gonna rule the roost."

Mr. T starts as soon as the show is able to clear the liposuction residue left in his (formerly Star's) dressing room.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»