Wednesday | January 28, 2015
Mr T To Replace Star Jones Reynolds

NEW YORK (CAP) - Mere days after Star Jones Reynolds told Barbara Walters that regardless of what tree she wished to be she just wanted to leave, Walters has found another quirky black person to take her place.

"Mr. T will bring a little bling, a little 70's street cred to The View," Walters said. "Add our dyke to that, and we'll be the edgiest show on television."

Mr. T. follows Rosie O'Donnell as the latest addition to The View, a show in constant flux, much like stomach acid. The former A-Team alum seems to have embraced his latest role.

"Ah pity The View," T said at a recent press meet and greet. "T gonna show those bitches how it's done. T ain't gonna get his stomach stapled - contract said he can't. T gonna rule the roost."

Mr. T starts as soon as the show is able to clear the liposuction residue left in his (formerly Star's) dressing room.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» AC-DC accepts invite to play Coachella 2015, requests to be off stage by 7pm before they become "cranky and irritable" from being up too late «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «»