Saturday | January 31, 2015
What Would Jesus Sell?
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon poses in this ad for his Righty Tighty Butty Butter.

NORFOLK, Va. (CAP) - When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbable feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.

"We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky," said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. "Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats?

"At least Pat didn't credit this accomplishment to his 'golden calves,' I guess," Levitt said.

Not everyone shares G.O.D.'s view on the issue, and indeed many in religious circles are looking to capitalize on it. Among them:

-The Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson is backing Jesse's Testies Catcher condoms, a product guaranteed to "fend off an unpleasant knock at your door several years down the road."

-The Vatican. Pope on the Ropes is an updated version of the classic Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots game. In this new version, the Pope dukes it out with his opponent, each blazing jab accompanied by a recorded "Heil!" The game comes in several versions, with opponents ranging from Sinead O' Connor to Osama bin Laden to FDR (miniature wheelchair sold separately).

-Tammy Faye Bakker Messner. My First Melting Face is the must-have make-up kit for the bible-belt Barbie crowd. Their brothers might also enjoy former husband Jim Bakker's My First Prison Friend action figure (batteries sold separately).

-The Reverend Sun Myung Moon. The versatile Reverend Moon has expanded into the dairy aisle with his low-calorie Righty Tighty Butty Butter, the only thing on Earth that he advises people to "use liberally!"

-The Raped Goat Cult. They may be demonic Satan worshippers, but they do make one of the finest tea cozies that you'll find anywhere. Fifty cents from every sale goes to the Raped Goat Camp For Boys & Girls (formerly the Raped Goat Indoctrination Center).

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Welfare recipients throughout the country are protesting increases to the minimum wage, saying "it's not fair" for states to make it so enticing for them to try to find jobs «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «»