Friday | March 27, 2015
What Would Jesus Sell?
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon poses in this ad for his Righty Tighty Butty Butter.

NORFOLK, Va. (CAP) - When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbable feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.

"We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky," said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. "Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats?

"At least Pat didn't credit this accomplishment to his 'golden calves,' I guess," Levitt said.

Not everyone shares G.O.D.'s view on the issue, and indeed many in religious circles are looking to capitalize on it. Among them:

-The Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson is backing Jesse's Testies Catcher condoms, a product guaranteed to "fend off an unpleasant knock at your door several years down the road."

-The Vatican. Pope on the Ropes is an updated version of the classic Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots game. In this new version, the Pope dukes it out with his opponent, each blazing jab accompanied by a recorded "Heil!" The game comes in several versions, with opponents ranging from Sinead O' Connor to Osama bin Laden to FDR (miniature wheelchair sold separately).

-Tammy Faye Bakker Messner. My First Melting Face is the must-have make-up kit for the bible-belt Barbie crowd. Their brothers might also enjoy former husband Jim Bakker's My First Prison Friend action figure (batteries sold separately).

-The Reverend Sun Myung Moon. The versatile Reverend Moon has expanded into the dairy aisle with his low-calorie Righty Tighty Butty Butter, the only thing on Earth that he advises people to "use liberally!"

-The Raped Goat Cult. They may be demonic Satan worshippers, but they do make one of the finest tea cozies that you'll find anywhere. Fifty cents from every sale goes to the Raped Goat Camp For Boys & Girls (formerly the Raped Goat Indoctrination Center).

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»