Sunday | December 21, 2014
What Would Jesus Sell?
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon poses in this ad for his Righty Tighty Butty Butter.

NORFOLK, Va. (CAP) - When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbable feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.

"We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky," said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. "Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats?

"At least Pat didn't credit this accomplishment to his 'golden calves,' I guess," Levitt said.

Not everyone shares G.O.D.'s view on the issue, and indeed many in religious circles are looking to capitalize on it. Among them:

-The Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson is backing Jesse's Testies Catcher condoms, a product guaranteed to "fend off an unpleasant knock at your door several years down the road."

-The Vatican. Pope on the Ropes is an updated version of the classic Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots game. In this new version, the Pope dukes it out with his opponent, each blazing jab accompanied by a recorded "Heil!" The game comes in several versions, with opponents ranging from Sinead O' Connor to Osama bin Laden to FDR (miniature wheelchair sold separately).

-Tammy Faye Bakker Messner. My First Melting Face is the must-have make-up kit for the bible-belt Barbie crowd. Their brothers might also enjoy former husband Jim Bakker's My First Prison Friend action figure (batteries sold separately).

-The Reverend Sun Myung Moon. The versatile Reverend Moon has expanded into the dairy aisle with his low-calorie Righty Tighty Butty Butter, the only thing on Earth that he advises people to "use liberally!"

-The Raped Goat Cult. They may be demonic Satan worshippers, but they do make one of the finest tea cozies that you'll find anywhere. Fifty cents from every sale goes to the Raped Goat Camp For Boys & Girls (formerly the Raped Goat Indoctrination Center).

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «»