Sunday | April 26, 2015
What Would Jesus Sell?
The Reverend Sun Myung Moon poses in this ad for his Righty Tighty Butty Butter.

NORFOLK, Va. (CAP) - When Pat Robertson recently claimed to have leg-pressed 2000 pounds, G.O.D. was silent. When Pat Robertson credited this improbable feat not to some divine spotter, but to his own diet shake ($17.95/pound, available wherever tubby evangelicals congregate), G.O.D. held a press conference.

"We here at the Global Organization of Denominations just find it incredibly tacky," said G.O.D. spokesman Hugh Levitt. "Could you imagine Jesus out humping Mary Magdalene commemorative watches, or crown of thorn beer hats?

"At least Pat didn't credit this accomplishment to his 'golden calves,' I guess," Levitt said.

Not everyone shares G.O.D.'s view on the issue, and indeed many in religious circles are looking to capitalize on it. Among them:

-The Reverend Jesse Jackson. Jackson is backing Jesse's Testies Catcher condoms, a product guaranteed to "fend off an unpleasant knock at your door several years down the road."

-The Vatican. Pope on the Ropes is an updated version of the classic Rock'Em Sock'Em Robots game. In this new version, the Pope dukes it out with his opponent, each blazing jab accompanied by a recorded "Heil!" The game comes in several versions, with opponents ranging from Sinead O' Connor to Osama bin Laden to FDR (miniature wheelchair sold separately).

-Tammy Faye Bakker Messner. My First Melting Face is the must-have make-up kit for the bible-belt Barbie crowd. Their brothers might also enjoy former husband Jim Bakker's My First Prison Friend action figure (batteries sold separately).

-The Reverend Sun Myung Moon. The versatile Reverend Moon has expanded into the dairy aisle with his low-calorie Righty Tighty Butty Butter, the only thing on Earth that he advises people to "use liberally!"

-The Raped Goat Cult. They may be demonic Satan worshippers, but they do make one of the finest tea cozies that you'll find anywhere. Fifty cents from every sale goes to the Raped Goat Camp For Boys & Girls (formerly the Raped Goat Indoctrination Center).

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»