Friday | March 6, 2015
MLB Admits American League Steroid Blunder
MLB officials were at a loss to explain how Texas mistook this shipment for their own.

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP) - Major League Baseball has admitted that a pre-season shipping error is responsible for American League standings that has the Baltimore Orioles over 30 games below .500 and the Texas Rangers with the biggest lead of all first place teams.

"The company that packages and ships the MLB-sanctioned steroids to the various teams experienced a computer error in March," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement. "As a result, Baltimore did not receive a shipment and the Rangers received a double shipment."

Selig said the league was alerted to the issue shortly after the error but hoped the Orioles might have a modicum of talent to at least slightly offset their lack of steroids. He has since stated he doesn't quite know what he was thinking when he said that.

"Come on, we're dying here," said Orioles manager Juan Samuel after recently getting pounded 10-4. "I've got guys sticking things in their asses they have no business - umm, I've already said too much. Just get us some 'roids."

Rangers acting CEO Chuck Greenberg has been denying the snafu since Opening Day, but had difficulty defending his position after members of the media saw groundskeeper Tom Burns hitting balls over 400' during batting practice before his departure from the team back in May.

"We don't have their damn steroids," said Rangers manager Ron Washington. "Has Jose Canseco been talking to you guys again?"

CAP News did attempt to confirm the story with official baseball snitch Jose Canseco, but he said we'd have to wait for the publication of his newest book, Is That A Needle In My Ass, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «»
Chicago Bulls point guard Derrick Rose to have leg replacement surgery, expects to be back in time for playoffs «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «»