Sunday | December 11, 2016
MLB Admits American League Steroid Blunder
MLB officials were at a loss to explain how Texas mistook this shipment for their own.

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP) - Major League Baseball has admitted that a pre-season shipping error is responsible for American League standings that has the Baltimore Orioles over 30 games below .500 and the Texas Rangers with the biggest lead of all first place teams.

"The company that packages and ships the MLB-sanctioned steroids to the various teams experienced a computer error in March," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement. "As a result, Baltimore did not receive a shipment and the Rangers received a double shipment."

Selig said the league was alerted to the issue shortly after the error but hoped the Orioles might have a modicum of talent to at least slightly offset their lack of steroids. He has since stated he doesn't quite know what he was thinking when he said that.

"Come on, we're dying here," said Orioles manager Juan Samuel after recently getting pounded 10-4. "I've got guys sticking things in their asses they have no business - umm, I've already said too much. Just get us some 'roids."

Rangers acting CEO Chuck Greenberg has been denying the snafu since Opening Day, but had difficulty defending his position after members of the media saw groundskeeper Tom Burns hitting balls over 400' during batting practice before his departure from the team back in May.

"We don't have their damn steroids," said Rangers manager Ron Washington. "Has Jose Canseco been talking to you guys again?"

CAP News did attempt to confirm the story with official baseball snitch Jose Canseco, but he said we'd have to wait for the publication of his newest book, Is That A Needle In My Ass, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2016 BY CAP NEWS
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»