Monday | August 31, 2015
MLB Admits American League Steroid Blunder
MLB officials were at a loss to explain how Texas mistook this shipment for their own.

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP) - Major League Baseball has admitted that a pre-season shipping error is responsible for American League standings that has the Baltimore Orioles over 30 games below .500 and the Texas Rangers with the biggest lead of all first place teams.

"The company that packages and ships the MLB-sanctioned steroids to the various teams experienced a computer error in March," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement. "As a result, Baltimore did not receive a shipment and the Rangers received a double shipment."

Selig said the league was alerted to the issue shortly after the error but hoped the Orioles might have a modicum of talent to at least slightly offset their lack of steroids. He has since stated he doesn't quite know what he was thinking when he said that.

"Come on, we're dying here," said Orioles manager Juan Samuel after recently getting pounded 10-4. "I've got guys sticking things in their asses they have no business - umm, I've already said too much. Just get us some 'roids."

Rangers acting CEO Chuck Greenberg has been denying the snafu since Opening Day, but had difficulty defending his position after members of the media saw groundskeeper Tom Burns hitting balls over 400' during batting practice before his departure from the team back in May.

"We don't have their damn steroids," said Rangers manager Ron Washington. "Has Jose Canseco been talking to you guys again?"

CAP News did attempt to confirm the story with official baseball snitch Jose Canseco, but he said we'd have to wait for the publication of his newest book, Is That A Needle In My Ass, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?.

- CAP News Staff

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LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «»