Sunday | December 21, 2014
MLB Admits American League Steroid Blunder
MLB officials were at a loss to explain how Texas mistook this shipment for their own.

MILWAUKEE, Wis. (CAP) - Major League Baseball has admitted that a pre-season shipping error is responsible for American League standings that has the Baltimore Orioles over 30 games below .500 and the Texas Rangers with the biggest lead of all first place teams.

"The company that packages and ships the MLB-sanctioned steroids to the various teams experienced a computer error in March," said Commissioner Bud Selig in a statement. "As a result, Baltimore did not receive a shipment and the Rangers received a double shipment."

Selig said the league was alerted to the issue shortly after the error but hoped the Orioles might have a modicum of talent to at least slightly offset their lack of steroids. He has since stated he doesn't quite know what he was thinking when he said that.

"Come on, we're dying here," said Orioles manager Juan Samuel after recently getting pounded 10-4. "I've got guys sticking things in their asses they have no business - umm, I've already said too much. Just get us some 'roids."

Rangers acting CEO Chuck Greenberg has been denying the snafu since Opening Day, but had difficulty defending his position after members of the media saw groundskeeper Tom Burns hitting balls over 400' during batting practice before his departure from the team back in May.

"We don't have their damn steroids," said Rangers manager Ron Washington. "Has Jose Canseco been talking to you guys again?"

CAP News did attempt to confirm the story with official baseball snitch Jose Canseco, but he said we'd have to wait for the publication of his newest book, Is That A Needle In My Ass, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?.

- CAP News Staff

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NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»