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Coulter Launches Campaign Against Orphans, Puppies

Coulter Launches Campaign Against Orphans, Puppies
Ann Coulter describes her plans to deal with orphans and puppies during a recent conference.

NEW YORK (CAP) - After previously garnering headlines for calling 9/11 widows "witches" and "harpies" in her new book, right-wing pundit Ann Coulter announced today that she's launching a vociferous campaign against puppies and orphans.

"What's the deal with all these orphans?" she asked. "Do these dirty little losers think they actually deserve parents?"

As for puppies, "Can someone tell me why they all think they're so cute?" she asked. "We should just crush their little heads like beefsteak tomatoes." Then she rubbed her bony hands together in ghoulish delight before devouring a live weevil.

Coulter announced her new campaign on this morning's "Today" show, right before forcing a rubber ball gag over Matt Lauer's mouth and beating him with a riding crop. When approached by Al Roker to stop, she called him a "fat, stinking weather whore" and drove her heel into his foot until he cried.

Coulter has also apparently set her sights on several other groups previously considered beyond reproach, releasing the following statements:

- "Isn't it about time all the whiners who've lost family members to drunk drivers just had a scotch and shut up already?"

- "Oooooooh, genocide! 'My whole family was killed in front me!' Get a life already."

- "If Mother Theresa were alive today, I would personally kick the [expletive] out of her."

Although her remarks have drawn widespread criticism from liberals and conservatives alike, Coulter said they could all "kiss my skinny white ass." Then she admitted she just said it all to sell books.


- CAP News Staff

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