Monday | December 22, 2014
Bush: Guard Clearing Away Brush, Not Illegals

YUMA, Ariz. (CAP) - Stung by criticism from Mexican President Vicente Fox and members of Congress over his plans to send 6000 National Guard troops to the Mexican/US border, President Bush yesterday sought to define exactly how narrow their role would be.

"They're just gonna be clearing brush so we can build that big honkin' fence," the President told a wildly-cheering hand-picked crowd outside a Home Depot gardening center in Yuma. It was the President's second trip to Yuma in as many weeks.

"There's no militarizationing here. We're talkin' Mexican pinyon, Apache pine, Mohave, uh, ragweed. Comprende, omegas? They won't be here to shoot at those illegal immigrates," President Bush said before leading his weed wacker-wielding minions out behind the Home Depot to launch Operation Brush-B-Gone.

Corporal Lance Daniels of the 41st Armored Woodchipping Brigade, stationed just south of Yuma, agreed with the President.

"We're not here to shoot at anyone. I see one of them little bastards scurrying across the border, though, and I will take after him with a chainsaw."

The clearing of brush should take about two months. The building of the fence by the Dancing Latino Electric Fencing Company (a subsidiary of Halliburton) is scheduled to be completed by early 2008.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «»