Wednesday | April 23, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@StephenElop #NoPulloutKeyboard
The new Nokia Lumia S7 Smart Pinky Ring
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

CENTRAL AMERICA

Bush: Guard Clearing Away Brush, Not Illegals
Bush: Guard Clearing Away Brush, Not Illegals

YUMA, Ariz. (CAP) - Stung by criticism from Mexican President Vicente Fox and members of Congress over his plans to send 6000 National Guard troops to the Mexican/US border, President Bush yesterday sought to define exactly how narrow their role would be.

"They're just gonna be clearing brush so we can build that big honkin' fence," the President told a wildly-cheering hand-picked crowd outside a Home Depot gardening center in Yuma. It was the President's second trip to Yuma in as many weeks.

"There's no militarizationing here. We're talkin' Mexican pinyon, Apache pine, Mohave, uh, ragweed. Comprende, omegas? They won't be here to shoot at those illegal immigrates," President Bush said before leading his weed wacker-wielding minions out behind the Home Depot to launch Operation Brush-B-Gone.

Bush: Guard Clearing Away Brush, Not Illegals
On the lookout for rogue brush that needs clearing

"There's no militarizationing here. We're talkin' Mexican pinyon, Apache pine, Mohave, uh, ragweed. Comprende, omegas? They won't be here to shoot at those illegal immigrates," President Bush said before leading his weed wacker-wielding minions out behind the Home Depot to launch Operation Brush-B-Gone.

Corporal Lance Daniels of the 41st Armored Woodchipping Brigade, stationed just south of Yuma, agreed with the President.

"We're not here to shoot at anyone. I see one of them little bastards scurrying across the border, though, and I will take after him with a chainsaw."

The clearing of brush should take about two months. The building of the fence by the Dancing Latino Electric Fencing Company (a subsidiary of Halliburton) is scheduled to be completed by early 2008.


- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

MORE world NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»