Wednesday | April 1, 2015
Study: Floridians Are Tastiest Americans
A PETA protestor pleads for consumption during Operation Lemming.

BALTIMORE, Md. (CAP) - While it ruled supreme for the past decade with its panther attacks, bear maulings and Skid Row rat assaults, California has finally been forced to surrender its crown as the state with the tastiest citizens to perennial runner-up, Florida.

"The recent alligator attacks pushed them over the top," said Barry "Longpig" Daniels, director of the Baltimore-based Nutritional Human Institute. "They barely squeezed in under our deadline."

The institute's annual "Tastes Like Chick Or Man" study looks at all animal-on-human attacks, breaking them down state by state. The attacks must be biting-specific, and cases where actual chunks of flesh are ripped from victims are awarded more weight.

"Why are Floridians more tasty than Californians?" Daniels asked in a recent sit-down with CAP News correspondent Sean Manatee. "Simple. Last year's hotness: tofu and patchouli. This year's hotness: coconut sun block marinade and the lingering bouquet of Depends."

Other groups were swift to condemn the study.

"Longpig Daniels is a moron," said Gail Westinghouse, spokesperson for the Center for Geriatric Locomotion Studies. "Old people live in Florida. Old people are easier to catch and eat. End of story."

Meanwhile, the Miami chapter of PETA has begun a lottery system among its members to see who will next be on the menu. "Operation Lemming" was launched earlier this week.

(CAP News Disclaimer: No humans were harmed in the creation of this story.)

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «» Justice Department issues subpoena for all computer files related to Hillary Clinton's 2012 online journal, "My Benghazi Blog" «» President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»