Friday | December 19, 2014
Study: Floridians Are Tastiest Americans
A PETA protestor pleads for consumption during Operation Lemming.

BALTIMORE, Md. (CAP) - While it ruled supreme for the past decade with its panther attacks, bear maulings and Skid Row rat assaults, California has finally been forced to surrender its crown as the state with the tastiest citizens to perennial runner-up, Florida.

"The recent alligator attacks pushed them over the top," said Barry "Longpig" Daniels, director of the Baltimore-based Nutritional Human Institute. "They barely squeezed in under our deadline."

The institute's annual "Tastes Like Chick Or Man" study looks at all animal-on-human attacks, breaking them down state by state. The attacks must be biting-specific, and cases where actual chunks of flesh are ripped from victims are awarded more weight.

"Why are Floridians more tasty than Californians?" Daniels asked in a recent sit-down with CAP News correspondent Sean Manatee. "Simple. Last year's hotness: tofu and patchouli. This year's hotness: coconut sun block marinade and the lingering bouquet of Depends."

Other groups were swift to condemn the study.

"Longpig Daniels is a moron," said Gail Westinghouse, spokesperson for the Center for Geriatric Locomotion Studies. "Old people live in Florida. Old people are easier to catch and eat. End of story."

Meanwhile, the Miami chapter of PETA has begun a lottery system among its members to see who will next be on the menu. "Operation Lemming" was launched earlier this week.

(CAP News Disclaimer: No humans were harmed in the creation of this story.)

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» New report finds 95% of lemon-flavored candy tastes like Pledge. Another report finds that a surprising number of people have tasted Pledge. «»