Wednesday | September 2, 2015
Study: Floridians Are Tastiest Americans
A PETA protestor pleads for consumption during Operation Lemming.

BALTIMORE, Md. (CAP) - While it ruled supreme for the past decade with its panther attacks, bear maulings and Skid Row rat assaults, California has finally been forced to surrender its crown as the state with the tastiest citizens to perennial runner-up, Florida.

"The recent alligator attacks pushed them over the top," said Barry "Longpig" Daniels, director of the Baltimore-based Nutritional Human Institute. "They barely squeezed in under our deadline."

The institute's annual "Tastes Like Chick Or Man" study looks at all animal-on-human attacks, breaking them down state by state. The attacks must be biting-specific, and cases where actual chunks of flesh are ripped from victims are awarded more weight.

"Why are Floridians more tasty than Californians?" Daniels asked in a recent sit-down with CAP News correspondent Sean Manatee. "Simple. Last year's hotness: tofu and patchouli. This year's hotness: coconut sun block marinade and the lingering bouquet of Depends."

Other groups were swift to condemn the study.

"Longpig Daniels is a moron," said Gail Westinghouse, spokesperson for the Center for Geriatric Locomotion Studies. "Old people live in Florida. Old people are easier to catch and eat. End of story."

Meanwhile, the Miami chapter of PETA has begun a lottery system among its members to see who will next be on the menu. "Operation Lemming" was launched earlier this week.

(CAP News Disclaimer: No humans were harmed in the creation of this story.)

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «»