Saturday | January 24, 2015
Study: Floridians Are Tastiest Americans
A PETA protestor pleads for consumption during Operation Lemming.

BALTIMORE, Md. (CAP) - While it ruled supreme for the past decade with its panther attacks, bear maulings and Skid Row rat assaults, California has finally been forced to surrender its crown as the state with the tastiest citizens to perennial runner-up, Florida.

"The recent alligator attacks pushed them over the top," said Barry "Longpig" Daniels, director of the Baltimore-based Nutritional Human Institute. "They barely squeezed in under our deadline."

The institute's annual "Tastes Like Chick Or Man" study looks at all animal-on-human attacks, breaking them down state by state. The attacks must be biting-specific, and cases where actual chunks of flesh are ripped from victims are awarded more weight.

"Why are Floridians more tasty than Californians?" Daniels asked in a recent sit-down with CAP News correspondent Sean Manatee. "Simple. Last year's hotness: tofu and patchouli. This year's hotness: coconut sun block marinade and the lingering bouquet of Depends."

Other groups were swift to condemn the study.

"Longpig Daniels is a moron," said Gail Westinghouse, spokesperson for the Center for Geriatric Locomotion Studies. "Old people live in Florida. Old people are easier to catch and eat. End of story."

Meanwhile, the Miami chapter of PETA has begun a lottery system among its members to see who will next be on the menu. "Operation Lemming" was launched earlier this week.

(CAP News Disclaimer: No humans were harmed in the creation of this story.)

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

SHARE STORY
MORE u.s. NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «»
American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» U.S. State Department denies it is behind putting glue on Kim Jong-un's toilet seat, where he was stuck for nine hours yesterday «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «»