Monday | December 22, 2014
Ordinance Renames Manger Scenes 'Holiday Barns'
The Fisher Price "Children's Holiday Barn" complete with Blue Collar Father, Stay At Home Mother, Winged Being & Three Intelligent Multi-Nationals

CAMBRIDGE, Mass. (CAP) - A new ordinance passed this week by the Cambridge City Council officially designates that any manger scene placed in public view be referred to as a "holiday barn."

"To see a creche or a manger scene right out in public might offend someone who's not Christian," said City Council President Richard Vanderhaven. "But if you think of it as sort of a holiday petting zoo, it's fun for everybody."

Vanderhaven points out that in order to be fair to all religions, under the ordinance mangers will join the former Christmas tree, now a "holiday tree," and other objects, like a dreidel (now a "holiday top") a menorah (now a "holiday candleholder") and a Kwanzaa kinara (also a "holiday candleholder").

"Referring to them as holiday candleholders doesn't favor a particular religion," pointed out Vanderhaven. "Anybody, no matter what his or her religion, can appreciate a candle holder that you happen to put out during the holiday season. Technically, you could roast chestnuts over it. You know, one at a time."

Asked how people might tell the difference between a menorah and a kinara if they're both now referred to the same way, he answered, "The kinara's the one being lit by a black guy.

"Wait, sorry, African American," he added quickly.

The phenomenon is far from limited to Cambridge, though. In nearby Saugus, an annual trip by Santa Claus to area schools was almost cancelled when the superintendent determined that the visit could violate state law. It was only reinstated when Santa agreed to be referred to as an "overweight holiday visitor" and wear street clothes instead of his traditional red suit.

"It's unfortunate, but we simply can't allow these things in school the way we used to," said Superintendent of Schools Dick Langhorn. "What if Santa came in here with little canisters of holy water trying to baptize the Jewish kids? We could get sued."

Regardless, Fox commentator Bill O'Reilly wasted no time in decrying the developments in Massachusetts as the latest salvo in the "war on Christmas."

"Who cares if it makes some little Jewish or Muslim kid uncomfortable?" asked O'Reilly. "Maybe they make us uncomfortable by not believing in Jesus." He noted that these are probably the same kids who are engaging in the war on St. Patrick's Day, which he is also upset about.

"And another thing," O'Reilly continued, clearly agitated. "These school concerts where every song is about winter and snow and peace ... parents shouldn't have to sit through that crap. Deck the Halls! Fa la la! Joy to the World!" Then he turned red and had to lie down.

Even famed Jewish comedian Jackie Mason spoke out against the development. "Holiday candle holder? What the heck is that? Who comes up with these idiotic things?" he asked. "If it was a gentile he was probably drunk at the time. Unless it was a Polish gentile, in which case he was just being himself."

Mason also said he blamed "all this foolishness" on "that stupid schvartza in the White House," adding, "What? What did I say?"

- CAP News Staff

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The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» CIA sends 200 agents to UDC Community College for waterboarding refresher course to prepare for up and coming international terrorist groups «» Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over the holidays due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» UPS seeks volunteers to celebrate Christmas on Saturday to buy themselves some wiggle room for delivering packages, says they would "really appreciate it" «» North Pole mainframe hacked and Kim Jong-un's name moved to 'Good' list; North Korea denies responsibility «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «»