- Wal-Mart Arms Greeters With Semi-Automatic Guns
- Paula Deen: "I Would Have Freed My Slaves, Probably"
- Guy Who Keeps Track Of IP Addresses Exhausted
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Florida-based Foridiots, Inc. said yesterday that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration has given it approval to market its Toddler Tazer, a medical device parents can use to discipline their mischievous and misbehaving toddlers.
The Toddler Tazer, which according to the company's Web site was inspired by the electroshock guns seen frequently on the television show Cops, allows parents to quickly and easily send a wave of electricity through a naughty toddler.
The electrical shock created by the Tazer is equal to that of a blender running on "pulse" for 15 minutes, and provides Americans with perhaps the best evidence yet that the FDA hasn't actually read an application it has received in more than 25 years.
"I was watching Cops and this guy would not calm down, so they jabbed him with this electric-type gun," explained Foridiots' CEO Meryl Pilinski in a statement released yesterday. "I said, Shit! Every time I ask my 4-year-old to get me a beer, he flips out just like that!
"I simply said to myself, What if?" added Pilinski.
FDA officials contacted by CAP News yesterday said they were "pretty sure" the company held clinical trials to test the device on children, and "almost certain" none of the participants in those trials were seriously injured.
Officials did confirm that using the Tazer on kids taking Vioxx would not increase their chances of a heart attack.
"Kids are always doing a lot of crazy stuff," continued Pilinski. "And these days - with everyone's hectic schedule - who's got time for all the baggage that comes with parenting."
The first Tazers are scheduled to be shipped late this summer, in time for back-to-school sales.
- John Gettings