Saturday | July 23, 2016
White House Janitor Resigns
White House janitor Carl Jensen pauses for a photo during the Clinton Administration after a particularly nasty spill under the president's desk.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The shake-up in President Bush's administration widened yesterday as White House janitor Carl Jensen announced his resignation. The move sent shock waves through a White House staff that hasn't seen this much turmoil since Chef Walter Scheib stepped down.

"We will miss Carl and his non-partisan trash removal capabilities," a White House press release stated. "The President has begun a full-scale search for Carl's replacement and expects his nomination will not be held up by party politics in the House and Senate."

"Nobody could scrapify gum from the bottom of a desk like Carl," President Bush said from the Oval Office. "Why, I can only imagine what the underside of my desk would look like if not for Carl. Speaking of, anyone got any Hubba Bubba?"

Sen. Charles Schumer said the Bush administration has "never separated their recyclables and that's been one of the reasons for its undoing. Late is better than never but the key for the White House will be getting a new person who understands that plastic and glass must be separated."

Jensen has not spoken publicly about the reasons behind his decision, but speculation is that the amount of trash coming out of the White House became just too much for one man to handle. Jensen oversaw janitorial duties through four presidencies, and said the toughest stretch was the used condom clean-up during the Clinton Administration.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE politics NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2016 BY CAP NEWS
Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Advisors say Joe Biden turning to his trusty Magic Eight Ball to determine potential presidential bid with early indications pointing to a hazy reply and needing to ask again later «» Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb to host his own debate so he can do all the talking, not have to wait «» After a spirited round of Hot Potato failed to produce a nominee for Speaker, House Republicans have decided the loser or their weekly Duck, Duck, Goose game will get the post «» John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?" «» Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire «» Republican presidential candidates unite against Carly Fiorina's face, vow to continue 200-year streak of bland white guy options with or without toupee «» Hillary Clinton says she will not apologize for wearing white after Labor Day while Secretary Of State, noting that it was "approved attire" by the State Department at the time «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «»
Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «» Advisors say Joe Biden turning to his trusty Magic Eight Ball to determine potential presidential bid with early indications pointing to a hazy reply and needing to ask again later «» Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb to host his own debate so he can do all the talking, not have to wait «» After a spirited round of Hot Potato failed to produce a nominee for Speaker, House Republicans have decided the loser or their weekly Duck, Duck, Goose game will get the post «» John Boehner disillusioned at lack of jobs for someone who only works nine months per year; says he would teach but "how can anyone live off of that?" «» Ben Carson publishes list of traits he finds unacceptable in a president, including shifty eyes, a taste for light beer, and anyone who did not like Goldie Hawn in Bird On A Wire «» Republican presidential candidates unite against Carly Fiorina's face, vow to continue 200-year streak of bland white guy options with or without toupee «» Hillary Clinton says she will not apologize for wearing white after Labor Day while Secretary Of State, noting that it was "approved attire" by the State Department at the time «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «»