Tuesday | March 31, 2015
White House Janitor Resigns
White House janitor Carl Jensen pauses for a photo during the Clinton Administration after a particularly nasty spill under the president's desk.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The shake-up in President Bush's administration widened yesterday as White House janitor Carl Jensen announced his resignation. The move sent shock waves through a White House staff that hasn't seen this much turmoil since Chef Walter Scheib stepped down.

"We will miss Carl and his non-partisan trash removal capabilities," a White House press release stated. "The President has begun a full-scale search for Carl's replacement and expects his nomination will not be held up by party politics in the House and Senate."

"Nobody could scrapify gum from the bottom of a desk like Carl," President Bush said from the Oval Office. "Why, I can only imagine what the underside of my desk would look like if not for Carl. Speaking of, anyone got any Hubba Bubba?"

Sen. Charles Schumer said the Bush administration has "never separated their recyclables and that's been one of the reasons for its undoing. Late is better than never but the key for the White House will be getting a new person who understands that plastic and glass must be separated."

Jensen has not spoken publicly about the reasons behind his decision, but speculation is that the amount of trash coming out of the White House became just too much for one man to handle. Jensen oversaw janitorial duties through four presidencies, and said the toughest stretch was the used condom clean-up during the Clinton Administration.

- CAP News Staff

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»