Monday | April 27, 2015
White House Janitor Resigns
White House janitor Carl Jensen pauses for a photo during the Clinton Administration after a particularly nasty spill under the president's desk.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - The shake-up in President Bush's administration widened yesterday as White House janitor Carl Jensen announced his resignation. The move sent shock waves through a White House staff that hasn't seen this much turmoil since Chef Walter Scheib stepped down.

"We will miss Carl and his non-partisan trash removal capabilities," a White House press release stated. "The President has begun a full-scale search for Carl's replacement and expects his nomination will not be held up by party politics in the House and Senate."

"Nobody could scrapify gum from the bottom of a desk like Carl," President Bush said from the Oval Office. "Why, I can only imagine what the underside of my desk would look like if not for Carl. Speaking of, anyone got any Hubba Bubba?"

Sen. Charles Schumer said the Bush administration has "never separated their recyclables and that's been one of the reasons for its undoing. Late is better than never but the key for the White House will be getting a new person who understands that plastic and glass must be separated."

Jensen has not spoken publicly about the reasons behind his decision, but speculation is that the amount of trash coming out of the White House became just too much for one man to handle. Jensen oversaw janitorial duties through four presidencies, and said the toughest stretch was the used condom clean-up during the Clinton Administration.

- CAP News Staff

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»