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NEW YORK (CAP) - While the world was celebrating Easter, the day marking the resurrection of Christ, CAP News was busy securing an exclusive that will completely rewrite the past 2000 years of history. We recently sat down with a remarkably unresurrected Jesus Christ to see what he had to say.
CAP: So, no resurrection?
Jesus: Hell, no. Some guy named Bob stole me from the cave they put me in. He was planning on selling my body to a scientist named Abdullah Frankensteinian. Imagine his surprise when I woke up.
CAP: So, you didn't die.
Jesus: Apparently I can't. I got my big feet from my mother and the "live forever" thing from Dad.
CAP: That's kind of cool.
Jesus: Yeah, makes it hard to buy shoes, but easy to get insurance.
CAP: So what have you been up to the past 2000 years?
Jesus: Ahh, you know, just hanging out mostly. I tried to return to work as a carpenter after that whole messiah thing went south on me, but the nails really got to me.
CAP: I can imagine.
Jesus: I've just sort of been going from one odd job to another, trying to keep a low profile. No more walking on water or any shit like that, you know? Crucifixion sucks, man, and quite frankly all the "Oh Jesus, heal this" and "Oh Jesus, smite that" stuff got old.
CAP: What are you up to now?
Jesus: Oh dude, check it out - I run a three card monty game down on Lexington that is killer. I make a mint! They pick the right card, bam! Miracle time. Oops, wrong card.
CAP: Sounds like a sweet arrangement. Any bad feelings still towards Judas?
Jesus: Nah, you know, Judas was one of my boys. I forgave him a long time ago. I gave him herpes, a donkey fetish and made him sterile, but I forgave him.
CAP: One last question Jesus: any plans for the future?
Jesus (laughing): Y'all put that dipshit in the White House. I wouldn't make any big plans for the future. I will miss you all when you're gone though.
CAP: Thank you, Jesus.
Jesus: My pleasure.
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