Tuesday | August 23, 2016
Wile E. Coyote Killed In Central Park
Minutes before his death, Wile E. Coyote is seen racing past a Central Park fountain.

NEW YORK (CAP) - Famed banal bird bagger of the surreal desert SouthWest Wile E. Coyote (Carnivorous Vulgaris) died last week in New York, according to his long-time agent Tim Springer.

"Everyone that knew Wile knows the past few years haven't been particularly kind to him," Springer said in a released statement. "He hasn't worked in years, and even when he was working, he wasn't eating that well. He just wanted to go to New York to try and change his life around."

According to a police report obtained by CAP News, it looked at first like Mr. Coyote was well on his way to doing so. The pigeon is a much slower bird than the road runner, and Central Park pigeons in particular have what can kindly be called a muted sense of self-preservation. During his first two weeks in the Big Apple, Wile E. Coyote dined well.

"We'd get occasional reports about explosions, a guy in a bat suit and the like, but this is New York. Fuggedaboutit," said Desk Sergeant Mike McLadden.

Police began to get suspicious when numerous packages from a company called Acme started getting delivered to the Lenox Avenue Playground. Police staked out the playground and didn't have long to wait.

"It was a friggin' coyote on jet-powered roller skates, I swear to friggin' God," said one officer on condition of anonymity. "He swooped in here, grabbed up the package and was gone before I could even unholster my weapon, much less yell Freeze, scumbag! Un-friggin'-believable."

Officers spent the next three days unsuccessfully trying to corner Wile E. Coyote. They'd get close, but he would zip away on a rocket sled. More than one officer described "portable holes" that the elusive coyote would toss at walls and boulders before jumping through. Several officers were treated for concussions after trying to follow their prey through the "holes". Empty bottles of Acme Hi-Speed Tonic were found littered all over the park.

"The big shame about all this is that after all these years of supporting them, Acme started to come through for Wile," said Tim Springer. "After [former FEMA head] Mike Brown left the board, they seemed to really get their act together."

The beginning of the end came on Wednesday, when nearly a hundred officers pursued Wile E. Coyote after confiscating his latest Acme package. They chased him to the reservoir, which Mr. Coyote attempted to swim, apparently forgetting that his fanny sack was full of dehydrated boulders.

"All of a sudden his ass bulged out and like fifty boulders shot out of it and into the reservoir," said professional mugger and eye-witness Derek Smith. "That dog or whatever the hell it was was good though. He kept hopping boulders until he got around the cops and he was gone."

His freedom didn't last long. Wounded, exhausted and hopped up on the highly addictive Acme Hi-Speed Tonic, Wile E. Coyote staggered into traffic a short time later where the "Beep beep!" of a cabby's horn caused what coroners are calling a massive heart attack. His last words, written on a sign and held up moments before his death, were, "I should have been a %&@#*$# vegetarian."

The Road Runner, suffering from an avian flu strain which has rocked the animation and puppetry industry, declined to comment for this article.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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