Thursday | March 28, 2024
Scientologists Victimized By Immigration Bill
Scientologist Tom Cruise is led away in handcuffs as members of real religions look on.

HOLLYWOOD, Calif. (CAP) - Lost in the hoopla of thousands of protestors taking to the streets over a pending immigration bill, authorities have begun rounding up Scientologists by the tens. The move is part of a little-publicized rider in the Senate version of the bill.

"If these Science guys really are from another planet like they claim," said Sen. Arlen Specter (R-PA), "then they are illegal aliens in the truest sense of the term. So we're putting them in the old Japanese detention centers."

Border Patrol Agents stationed along the California-Mexico border have been sweeping their way north throughout the week and so far have captured 27 Scientologists. In the meantime, 475 Mexicans have crossed the now-unmanned border and taken jobs as landscapers throughout San Diego County.

"Once the err, uhh, bill has been signed by the err, uhh, President," said Sen. Ted Kennedy, D-Ma., "we'll be loading all the err, uhh, Scienceologists onto the SpaceX rocket and sending them back to err, uhh, Melmac."

The other six Scientologists - among them, singer Beck, actress Juliette Lewis and news anchor Greta Van Susteren - released a statement saying they would release a statement as soon as their leader Xenu contacts them and tells them what to say.

- CAP News Staff

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