Sunday | March 29, 2015
Rice Riffs Way Into Rehab

VALPARAISO, Chile (CAP) - Political insiders have told CAP News that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has checked into a Corpus Christi drug rehab clinic for treatment of a cocaine abuse problem.

Rice's troubles began on Saturday, when Bolivian coca grower-turned-President Evo Morales presented the Secretary of State with a small, traditional stringed instrument called a charango. The instrument was covered with bright green coca leaves, a mild jab at Washington and their policies concerning Bolivia.

"Condi made nice for the cameras, and she was actually strumming away on the thing back in the hotel room," said an aide. "Then out of the corner of my eye, I see her nibble on the instrument, just a little. I left the room to make a few calls, and when I came back, Condi was gone. All that was left of the instrument were a few strings and a couple of tuning pegs."

Hector Carrera, Chile's top Cheech Marin impersonator, witnessed the remainder of what happened.

"Ah, the bitch was crazy, man," Carrera told CAP News' Chilean bureau. "She was running around the hotel lobby wearing nothing but urine-soaked panties and screaming 'Give ma another fucking ukulele!' and 'Where's my husband? Where's prezzismoochums?'

"I tried to tell her, look, pressismoochums ain't here, man, but she wouldn't listen," Carrera added. "Then I tried that whole meditation thing on her, you know - ohm, ohm, ohm. But she just ran out of the hotel, man."

Local police caught up with Ms. Rice at the estate of a local drug lord. After prying her face from the man's genitalia, they briefly detained her before turning her over to secret service agents, who immediately flew her to Corpus Christi.

CAP News will bring you more on this story as soon as it is available.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»