Monday | April 27, 2015
Rice Riffs Way Into Rehab

VALPARAISO, Chile (CAP) - Political insiders have told CAP News that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has checked into a Corpus Christi drug rehab clinic for treatment of a cocaine abuse problem.

Rice's troubles began on Saturday, when Bolivian coca grower-turned-President Evo Morales presented the Secretary of State with a small, traditional stringed instrument called a charango. The instrument was covered with bright green coca leaves, a mild jab at Washington and their policies concerning Bolivia.

"Condi made nice for the cameras, and she was actually strumming away on the thing back in the hotel room," said an aide. "Then out of the corner of my eye, I see her nibble on the instrument, just a little. I left the room to make a few calls, and when I came back, Condi was gone. All that was left of the instrument were a few strings and a couple of tuning pegs."

Hector Carrera, Chile's top Cheech Marin impersonator, witnessed the remainder of what happened.

"Ah, the bitch was crazy, man," Carrera told CAP News' Chilean bureau. "She was running around the hotel lobby wearing nothing but urine-soaked panties and screaming 'Give ma another fucking ukulele!' and 'Where's my husband? Where's prezzismoochums?'

"I tried to tell her, look, pressismoochums ain't here, man, but she wouldn't listen," Carrera added. "Then I tried that whole meditation thing on her, you know - ohm, ohm, ohm. But she just ran out of the hotel, man."

Local police caught up with Ms. Rice at the estate of a local drug lord. After prying her face from the man's genitalia, they briefly detained her before turning her over to secret service agents, who immediately flew her to Corpus Christi.

CAP News will bring you more on this story as soon as it is available.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»