- Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
- Study Suggests Stonehenge Was Prehistoric McDonald's
- Wolfgang Van Halen Sick Of Being Hit On By 45-Yr-Olds
HENRICO COUNTY, Va. (CAP) - Following news that sales of cigarettes have hit a 55-year low and don't show signs of rebounding, tobacco giant Philip Morris has announced what many have been waiting years to hear.
"Yeah, we cured lung cancer," said CEO Michael Szymanczyk. "What about it?"
Szymanczyk finally came clean after CAP News showed him internal documents that we spent six months taping back together following their trip through a shredder. Those documents indicated that the company had actually stumbled upon a cure for this form of cancer almost five years ago.
They also indicated that Philip Morris needs to buy better shredders.
A high-ranking Philip Morris manager, speaking on the condition of anonymity, explained what led up to the cure. However, after he was 10 minutes late for one of our meetings, we decided to blow his cover.
"Our scientists were trying to find the next killer carcinogen when they accidentally figured out how to stop all carcinogens," said Derek Jenkins. "Our research indicated that without that threat of death hanging over young people, smoking wasn't quite so cool. So we sat on it."
However, with sales figures steadily declining and dying smokers not being replaced by new smokers, Philip Morris saw a grim future ahead.
"Well, curing cancer is counter-intuitive to what we're trying to do," said Jenkins. "But if we're going to return sales to the glory years of the '70s, then the answer is simple: we need to keep our customers alive longer so they'll buy more cigarettes."
Cancer pills are expected to be approved by the FDA later this year. In related news, McDonald's, Burger King and Wendy's announced a collaborative effort that promises to have heart disease cured by early next year.
- Banner Stands» Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
- Prom Dresses 2013» Searching for the perfect dress to wear on your big night? Take a look from these styles who top the best-dressed lists all the time!