Sunday | August 2, 2015
Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary
The infamous "Rove Goosing Photo" gained more credibility with Monday's announcement.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

Psychiatrist Benjamin Iadreiko at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center attributed it to Matalin/Carvell Syndrome, a condition named after the unnatural pairing of arch-political rivals Mary Matalin and James Carvell several years ago.

"Opposites attract, no?" Dr. Iadreiko told CAP News. "Particularly in politics, it is more common than you think. Marilyn Quayle is rumored to have masturbated to pictures of Al Gore. JFK secretly coveted Pat Nixon, not to mention the wives of most of the members of Congress, regardless of party. "And historians have long held that George Washington wanted to spoon with King George," added Iadreiko. "I think that might have been more of a George thing, though."

A spokesperson for Senator Clinton declined to say what her next move would be following the Rove admission, but suggested that either a restraining order or a bikini wax/hard-core douching were the leading options.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «» Dept Of Veteran's Affairs to pay benefits to thousands of Vietnam War veterans who may have been exposed to Jane Fonda in the early '70s «» LeBron James challenges Golden State to double or nothing, winner take all game of HORSE «» US State Department confirms that an airstrike has killed top al Qaeda leader Myhstar Belmyhstar in the Syrian port city of Kyrie «» Massachusetts woman accused of forcing elderly mother to commute with her to and from work in order to drive in HOV lane «»