Saturday | May 30, 2015
Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary
The infamous "Rove Goosing Photo" gained more credibility with Monday's announcement.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

Psychiatrist Benjamin Iadreiko at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center attributed it to Matalin/Carvell Syndrome, a condition named after the unnatural pairing of arch-political rivals Mary Matalin and James Carvell several years ago.

"Opposites attract, no?" Dr. Iadreiko told CAP News. "Particularly in politics, it is more common than you think. Marilyn Quayle is rumored to have masturbated to pictures of Al Gore. JFK secretly coveted Pat Nixon, not to mention the wives of most of the members of Congress, regardless of party. "And historians have long held that George Washington wanted to spoon with King George," added Iadreiko. "I think that might have been more of a George thing, though."

A spokesperson for Senator Clinton declined to say what her next move would be following the Rove admission, but suggested that either a restraining order or a bikini wax/hard-core douching were the leading options.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» World Trade Organization approves putting 'Country Of Origin' labels on immigrants coming into the US to help Americans better target their discrimination «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «»