Tuesday | January 27, 2015
Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary
The infamous "Rove Goosing Photo" gained more credibility with Monday's announcement.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

Psychiatrist Benjamin Iadreiko at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center attributed it to Matalin/Carvell Syndrome, a condition named after the unnatural pairing of arch-political rivals Mary Matalin and James Carvell several years ago.

"Opposites attract, no?" Dr. Iadreiko told CAP News. "Particularly in politics, it is more common than you think. Marilyn Quayle is rumored to have masturbated to pictures of Al Gore. JFK secretly coveted Pat Nixon, not to mention the wives of most of the members of Congress, regardless of party. "And historians have long held that George Washington wanted to spoon with King George," added Iadreiko. "I think that might have been more of a George thing, though."

A spokesperson for Senator Clinton declined to say what her next move would be following the Rove admission, but suggested that either a restraining order or a bikini wax/hard-core douching were the leading options.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» President Obama credits illegal Guatemalan caddie for helping him shoot 3 over par 75, says all Americans can enjoy that luxury by backing immigration reform «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «»