Friday | April 24, 2015
Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary
The infamous "Rove Goosing Photo" gained more credibility with Monday's announcement.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

Psychiatrist Benjamin Iadreiko at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center attributed it to Matalin/Carvell Syndrome, a condition named after the unnatural pairing of arch-political rivals Mary Matalin and James Carvell several years ago.

"Opposites attract, no?" Dr. Iadreiko told CAP News. "Particularly in politics, it is more common than you think. Marilyn Quayle is rumored to have masturbated to pictures of Al Gore. JFK secretly coveted Pat Nixon, not to mention the wives of most of the members of Congress, regardless of party. "And historians have long held that George Washington wanted to spoon with King George," added Iadreiko. "I think that might have been more of a George thing, though."

A spokesperson for Senator Clinton declined to say what her next move would be following the Rove admission, but suggested that either a restraining order or a bikini wax/hard-core douching were the leading options.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «»