Thursday | December 18, 2014
Rove Admits To Stalking Hillary
The infamous "Rove Goosing Photo" gained more credibility with Monday's announcement.

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Reacting to Hillary Clinton's comment on Monday that Karl Rove "spends a lot of time obsessing about me," a Rove spokesman on Tuesday admitted it.

"Karl does indeed have a boner for the senator," said spokesman Jamie Sinclair. "He can't explain it. He's always liked his women a bit on the skanky side, but he's at a loss to describe this obsession beyond that."

Psychiatrist Benjamin Iadreiko at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center attributed it to Matalin/Carvell Syndrome, a condition named after the unnatural pairing of arch-political rivals Mary Matalin and James Carvell several years ago.

"Opposites attract, no?" Dr. Iadreiko told CAP News. "Particularly in politics, it is more common than you think. Marilyn Quayle is rumored to have masturbated to pictures of Al Gore. JFK secretly coveted Pat Nixon, not to mention the wives of most of the members of Congress, regardless of party. "And historians have long held that George Washington wanted to spoon with King George," added Iadreiko. "I think that might have been more of a George thing, though."

A spokesperson for Senator Clinton declined to say what her next move would be following the Rove admission, but suggested that either a restraining order or a bikini wax/hard-core douching were the leading options.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»