Saturday | January 31, 2015
Rice Makes Surprise Visit To Olympics
A shocked Condoleezza Rice asks the photographer where the hell everybody went.

TURIN, Italy (CAP) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice made an unannounced visit today to Turin, Italy, hoping to offer support to a U.S. team she said isn't winning enough medals. Instead, she launched an investigation into the bad intelligence that brought her to a deserted Olympic city.

"I can understand why Bode Miller might flee if he heard I was coming," said Rice as she looked around an empty Olympic village. "I mean, he doesn't want me tearing him a new one right now. Zero medals my ass."

Rice said she figured she'd swing by since she was "in the neighborhood" after a few stops in the Middle East last week. She said she would have come sooner had she known the Olympics were ending because "that thing in Beirut's really no big deal."

Rice also expressed disappointment that NBC had already left the country because she said she had a few choice words for them over their "crappy-ass coverage" the past couple of weeks. And she wanted to see Jim Lampley's shiny head for herself.

After a quick lunch in Turin, Rice and her entourage left the country, heading for Denmark. She said since she had some extra time to kill, she thought she'd stop by that country and "throw some opinions around" about the Muslim cartoons.

- CAP News Staff

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Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» Newly released Mueller report says NFL did not even know Ray Rice had a girlfriend, thought he was beating up a hooker in the elevator «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie seeking bids from NFL owners to be their super fan during upcoming playoff games, vows to jump around like a jackass if team wins «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez sues steroid manufacturer, saying his drugs weren't exactly "performance enhancing" as advertised «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «»