Saturday | September 5, 2015
Rice Makes Surprise Visit To Olympics
A shocked Condoleezza Rice asks the photographer where the hell everybody went.

TURIN, Italy (CAP) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice made an unannounced visit today to Turin, Italy, hoping to offer support to a U.S. team she said isn't winning enough medals. Instead, she launched an investigation into the bad intelligence that brought her to a deserted Olympic city.

"I can understand why Bode Miller might flee if he heard I was coming," said Rice as she looked around an empty Olympic village. "I mean, he doesn't want me tearing him a new one right now. Zero medals my ass."

Rice said she figured she'd swing by since she was "in the neighborhood" after a few stops in the Middle East last week. She said she would have come sooner had she known the Olympics were ending because "that thing in Beirut's really no big deal."

Rice also expressed disappointment that NBC had already left the country because she said she had a few choice words for them over their "crappy-ass coverage" the past couple of weeks. And she wanted to see Jim Lampley's shiny head for herself.

After a quick lunch in Turin, Rice and her entourage left the country, heading for Denmark. She said since she had some extra time to kill, she thought she'd stop by that country and "throw some opinions around" about the Muslim cartoons.

- CAP News Staff

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Los Angeles institutes Shower Shaming, asking residents to rat each other out if anyone wastes water and bathes more than once per week «» President Obama visits Alaska, vows to reunite cast of 'Northern Exposure' for show's 20th anniversary «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «»