Friday | May 6, 2016
Rice Makes Surprise Visit To Olympics
A shocked Condoleezza Rice asks the photographer where the hell everybody went.

TURIN, Italy (CAP) - Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice made an unannounced visit today to Turin, Italy, hoping to offer support to a U.S. team she said isn't winning enough medals. Instead, she launched an investigation into the bad intelligence that brought her to a deserted Olympic city.

"I can understand why Bode Miller might flee if he heard I was coming," said Rice as she looked around an empty Olympic village. "I mean, he doesn't want me tearing him a new one right now. Zero medals my ass."

Rice said she figured she'd swing by since she was "in the neighborhood" after a few stops in the Middle East last week. She said she would have come sooner had she known the Olympics were ending because "that thing in Beirut's really no big deal."

Rice also expressed disappointment that NBC had already left the country because she said she had a few choice words for them over their "crappy-ass coverage" the past couple of weeks. And she wanted to see Jim Lampley's shiny head for herself.

After a quick lunch in Turin, Rice and her entourage left the country, heading for Denmark. She said since she had some extra time to kill, she thought she'd stop by that country and "throw some opinions around" about the Muslim cartoons.

- CAP News Staff

SHARE STORY
MORE sports NEWS
RELATED STORIES
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2016 BY CAP NEWS
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»
Inspired by their Missouri brethren, Wolverine players refuse to take the field and will "focus solely on their studies" until the University retains more attractive cheerleaders «» Royals, Mets agree to blindfold random infielder every other inning to liven up the game, provide blooper reel footage when they cringe every time the ball is hit «» IBM engineers mark another milestone in artificial intelligence as Watson wins $250,000 on Fan Duel, will attempt to decipher teenage text lingo next «» New CDC study finds those who play fantasy sports do not actually reap the health benefits of the sport in question, are "just as fat and slothful" as their caloric intake would suggest «» Miami Dolphins appoint random autistic kid from United Way campaign as head coach, figure no one will notice the difference and they will save money «» Pope Francis to become first sitting Pope to provide color commentary for NFL during Giants game tonight, hopes to see "un buen futbol smashmouth" «» Tom Brady endorses Donald Trump, strikes deal with real estate mogul for supply of hot air to keep footballs legally inflated «» New England Patriots caught using two-headed quarter for coin toss during home opener, say rulebook doesn't "expressly" prohibit it «» Experts say the best way to combat this is to make Aunt Midge sleep on the pullout sofa which will wreak havoc on her sciatica and eventually force her to seek a better night's sleep at a local hotel «» Experts say terrorists have been hording coupons for Bell's stuffing for months, forcing many Americans to either pay full price or go with bland, dry generic boxed stuffing «» The man credited with inventing the "Safety Is My Goal" and "How Is My Driving?" bumper stickers that spoke for a generation of livery drivers succumbed to injuries sustained after being rear-ended by a box truck «» The limited-time only beverage is available in Rancid or Sludge flavors mixed with one or two scoops of yesterday's coffee grounds and is served in a black cup only to those who verbally denounce all organized religions when ordering «» The newly revamped tourist attraction will feature a gift shop, a food court, and a stack of three-ring binders with pictures of fish that visitors can thumb through «» The ACLU is fighting the company's decision to pull the popular t-shirts from store shelves, saying it will unfairly force society's outcasts back to shopping at K-Mart for their apparel needs «» Critics say while the shake is indeed delicious, it's too soon after the Russian airline disaster to try to capitalize on it and note the company should "give it another month or so" «» Instead, half a dozen moderators will take the stage and fire barbs at each of the candidates and then see who can provide the most sarcastic response in their absence «» Both Hewlett-Packard companies announce they're each splitting into five new companies to create a voicemail tree so complex that none of them will actually need any customer service reps to answer phones «» Jasmine V confirms she was knocked up by alien abductors, plans to keep the baby to help fight stereotypes of young Latina women who are pregnant with extraterrestrial offspring «» Federal government's plan to release thousands of non-violent prisoners contingent upon them to "remember what Uncle Barry did for you" and make sure they vote Democrat in the next election «» The Conservative Liberals In Transition Outreach Intervention Society announces its support of Hillary Clinton; CLITOrIS members say she brings "the right amount of vagina" to the table «»