Friday | September 4, 2015
Israel Unites Behind Sharon Intestine
Shimon Peres holds aloft the key to Israel's future.

TEL AVIV, Israel (CAP) - Doctors removed nearly two feet of Ariel Sharon's large intestine during emergency surgery, his seventh operation since suffering a debilitating stroke last month. Just two more operations, and doctors say his tenth one will be free.

The latest complications make it more unlikely that Sharon will recover, leaving many Israelis seeking something to hold onto in this time of crisis. And they've found that in the form of Sharon's large intestine.

"My people need a little something in their time of need," said interim Israeli leader Dave Chappelle, "and a couple feet of his innards fits the bill. Anything less would be sacriligious."

Supporters of Sharon's intestine flocked to Rabin Square just to be in the presence of the hallowed body part. Some who were close enough even claimed to see the image of the Virgin Mary in the leader's tubing.

But not everyone was in awe. "I hate his guts!" said one detractor in Jerusalem. "So it only stands to reason that I would, umm, hate his ... guts."

Sharon's intestine is expected to play a major role in the March elections. Candidates from both political parties are already claiming to have the "intestinal fortitude" needed to lead the Jewish nation.

- CAP News Staff

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