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WASHINGTON (CAP) - Anti-perspirant sentiment and rampant deodorant use are widespread on US military bases, according to a Pentagon report just released this week. The report comes on the heels of the military's new "Don't Ask, Don't Smell" policy.
"The most frequent type of deodorant identified was Musk," Deputy Undersecretary For Toiletries Ritchie Frush told a news conference. "But the fact is we simple cannot tolerate deodorant use in the armed forces." Frush further said the report found an offensive amount of hair gel, mousse and even cologne being used by those perceived to use deodorant.
Frush also ordered the establishment of a committee of civilian and military officials to draft a "reaction plan" for improving the odiferousness of military personnel while still reducing anti-perspirant behavior. Frush refuted claims that potential members of the committee were being bought off with soft money by Mennon.
The whiff that caused the Pentagon to take a closer sniff at how the deodorant policy is being implemented was the rank odor emanating from the President during a press conference on the White House lawn earlier this month. Pentagon officials said it was clear the President had not showered in quite some time, and they did not want any military personnel upstaging him by smelling better than their Commander-In-Chief.
After the report was announced, Bush released a statement saying, "That smells about right." Then when reporters asked him to take his nose out of his armpit, Bush looked up and mumbled something about the NBA playoffs, Osama bin Laden, and drilling for oil.
Critics of the Pentagon report said it is flawed because no surveys were conducted with members of the Marine Corps. They said Marines have not been using deodorant for years, and including their responses would have skewed the results toward the opposite direction.
Critics of the critics of the report said some reading and writing was necessary to complete the survey, so the Marines and a good portion of the Army had to be excluded.
The discussion surrounding deodorant use is expected to become a major issue as the summer months approach. Democrats have not come forward regarding the issue, although the fact that small children cry when they get too close to John Edwards could explain his stance.
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