Wednesday | April 23, 2014
MOST EMAILED
CAUGHT ON FILM
@JimInhofe #GovernmentBaleOuts
A couple pro-pitchfork activists fight anti-pitchfork legislation during a recent rally in Washington, DC.
FROM THE VAULT
April 17, 2008
NHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs DevilsNHL Asks Pope To Skate For Rangers Vs Devils
Fake Advertisement

THE HEARTLAND

Mid-West Cooties Outbreak Tops 100

Mid-West Cooties Outbreak Tops 100
A scientist at the Centers for Cooties Control performs testing on the latest strain to afflict the American public.

TERRE HAUTE, Ind. (CAP) - The government reissued its warning yesterday as four more children in Indiana were diagnosed with Cooties, bringing the total to 103 sick across eight states. Health experts say it's the worst outbreak in 27 years.

"We cannot emphasize enough the importance of dressing children in long sleeves and avoiding contact with the opposite sex," said Dr. Drew Coleer at the Centers for Cooties Control in Atlanta. "It is parental apathy that is causing this outbreak to remain unchecked."

The first reports of Cooties infections came to the CCC from Arlington Heights, Ill. last month and quickly spread to nearby states. Although health officials had no problem pinpointing the origin of the outbreak, Coleer said that knowledge did nothing to curb the disease.

"We know that 8-year-old Amanda Lee didn't self-immunize with a verbal Cooties shot before coming in contact with classmate Tommy Bailey," said Coleer. "And she might have been fine had her friends not told her she had Cooties. Bailey then went on to infect 11 other girls that day."

Previous outbreaks of Cooties have typically remained confined to a classroom, or at worst a school. According to Secretary of Health and Human Services Kathleen Sebelius, no outbreak has ever been as widespread geographically as this one.

"We are investigating the possibility that Cooties can be contracted over the Internet," said Sebelius. "Sites like FourSquare, Instagram and Facebook add a new dimension to this battle that we've not seen before. This could be of epidemic proportions in the blink of an eye."

Sebelius is asking parents to be vigilant of their children's use of those and other community-oriented websites and to report any suspicious activity directly to her office.


- CAP News Staff

MORE health NEWS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» A new study recommends that people receiving bad news do so while standing up to increase their chances of survival. "We always make someone sit down before delivering bad news," said one researcher. "But since sitting is bad for your heart, that combination could just kill you on the spot." «» The estate of shipping magnate Daniel Ludwig has donated $90 million to Harvard University for development of a vaccine to fight the debilitating disease affluenza. "What better place to find a cure for a condition affecting rich white kids than Harvard?" said an estate trustee. "They're the perfect test subjects." «» The newly fixed Obamacare website healthcare.gov has relaunched with some amazing Cyber Monday deals for the uninsured, including half off coverage for all children with apostrophes in their names. "Plus, if you buy insurance for two illegitimate children, we'll give you the third bastard free!" said Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. «» New information following the disastrous launch of the healthcare.gov website reveals that 87% of those who enrolled in Obamacare actually thought they were buying lottery tickets. "I inputted my EBT card and was 'specting my numbers for Hot Lotto Sizzler," said one man. "How'm I gonna play online poker now?" «» A United Nations agency with extra money in its budget has released a report stating that the leading cause of smog is outdoor air pollution. "We also believe smoke emanating from factories leads to air pollution," said the lead researcher. "But we'll need another grant before we can confirm that." «» A new study from that reputable medical facility finds the new health food you've been eating is actually bad for you. "We fed it to rats and they got violently ill," said one researcher. "Granted we gave them more than a 275-pound man could eat, but still. You've been warned." «» A new study finds that hospital precautions like signs stating You Must Be This Tall and programs highlighting the dangers of dwarf tossing do little to stop the growing epidemic of midget fights in waiting rooms. The problem is expected to worsen under Obamacare as more midgets obtain health insurance. «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» A new study recommends that people receiving bad news do so while standing up to increase their chances of survival. "We always make someone sit down before delivering bad news," said one researcher. "But since sitting is bad for your heart, that combination could just kill you on the spot." «» The estate of shipping magnate Daniel Ludwig has donated $90 million to Harvard University for development of a vaccine to fight the debilitating disease affluenza. "What better place to find a cure for a condition affecting rich white kids than Harvard?" said an estate trustee. "They're the perfect test subjects." «» The newly fixed Obamacare website healthcare.gov has relaunched with some amazing Cyber Monday deals for the uninsured, including half off coverage for all children with apostrophes in their names. "Plus, if you buy insurance for two illegitimate children, we'll give you the third bastard free!" said Health Secretary Kathleen Sebelius. «» New information following the disastrous launch of the healthcare.gov website reveals that 87% of those who enrolled in Obamacare actually thought they were buying lottery tickets. "I inputted my EBT card and was 'specting my numbers for Hot Lotto Sizzler," said one man. "How'm I gonna play online poker now?" «» A United Nations agency with extra money in its budget has released a report stating that the leading cause of smog is outdoor air pollution. "We also believe smoke emanating from factories leads to air pollution," said the lead researcher. "But we'll need another grant before we can confirm that." «» A new study from that reputable medical facility finds the new health food you've been eating is actually bad for you. "We fed it to rats and they got violently ill," said one researcher. "Granted we gave them more than a 275-pound man could eat, but still. You've been warned." «» A new study finds that hospital precautions like signs stating You Must Be This Tall and programs highlighting the dangers of dwarf tossing do little to stop the growing epidemic of midget fights in waiting rooms. The problem is expected to worsen under Obamacare as more midgets obtain health insurance. «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»