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BURBANK (CAP) - Evidence uncovered by a CAP News investigative team shows that the Disney Channel has been holding its young performers captive in a sort of indentured servitude, forcing them to appear in each other's shows and movies and sleep in the studio chained in boxes.
According to internal records acquired by CAP News, most of the youngsters were sold to the studio as babies, although some of them were snatched off child modeling shoots and the sets of juice commercials.
According to Disney records, the youngsters are brainwashed into thinking that Disney is a kind, loving guardian, and that they actually enjoy filming hundreds of hours of banal sitcoms and movies, recording albums of shamelessly derivative pop songs and going on months-long concert tours.
"Disney is cool. Disney is awesome. Working for Disney is fun," said glassy-eyed High School Musical star Vanessa Hudgens in an eerie monotone, in between shooting the Musical sequel and a guest spot on Suite Life of Zack & Cody, along with doing the concert tours for Musical and her own album, V.
"[Disney CEO] Bob Iger is the kindest, bravest, warmest, most wonderful human being I've ever known in my life," murmured Hudgens. "Can I go back to my box now?"
The goal of enslaving the young performers, according to internal memos, is to ensure that the Disney Channel lineup is as attractive and racially diverse as possible. To that end, Disney has even resorted to genetic experiments, sometimes with horrible results. Most scientists agree that Zack & Cody stars Dylan and Cole Sprouse are probably genetic mutations, likely grown in a lab using DNA from the band Nelson and a squirrel.
"You never know what performers who are allowed to have their own free will might do," said a Disney source who requested anonymity, citing the rare Disney property to escape their clutches, former Mouseketeer Britney Spears. "I tell you this, if Annette Funicello was ever caught running around without her underwear, Walt would have made sure she 'disappeared' - and not in a fun, sorcerer's-apprentice kind of way, if you get my drift."
Authorities have thus far been unsuccessful in proving any allegations of forced servitude; nor have they been able to determine what happens to the actors once they're deemed to old to anchor a Disney Channel show, movie or musical group. "We've been looking into it," admits Lt. Carl Bender of the Los Angeles Police Department. "We're starting to wonder where all those animatronic people at Disneyland come from."
Meanwhile, rumors that the stars are shipped off to an island where they're gradually turned into donkeys have yet to be substantiated.