CASPIAN SEA (CAP) - In the wake of recent public criticism over his powers and allegations of superhero inadequacy, Aquaman's membership in the Justice League of America has been revoked. According to the JLA press release, the move is effective immediately.
"Due to the lack of violent crime that actually takes place under the surface of the ocean, we felt it necessary at this time to release Aquaman of his duties," said JLA spokesman the Green Lantern during a press conference at the Hall of Justice.
"Besides, he was really weighing us down," added Green Lantern.
According to CAP News sources inside the JLA, bad feelings toward Aquaman had been building among the Superfriends for a number of years. However, things seemed to come to a head this past summer when a New York Post reporter spotted an apparently intoxicated Plastic Man ranting loudly outside the Lotus nightclub in Manhattan.
"What does he do? He doesn't do nothing!" slurred Plastic Man to a crowd of stunned onlookers. "Then when we actually need him, it's the same old crap - he gets caught up in some big fishing net and has to use those rings coming out of his head to get his friend the saw fish to cut him loose.
"And then he's all, Oh, sorry, looks like I missed out on the action again, fellas," added Plastic Man. "Oh yeah, well I got some action for you, right here!"
At that point Plastic Man reportedly used his super-elasticity to make an extremely inappropriate gesture that the CAP News Censorship Department won't allow us to describe here.
"Yeah, he's useless," agreed Captain Marvel. "I mean, we can really be kicking some bad guy ass, and you've got fish-boy over there swimming around, hoping no one accidentally falls in the water - because God forbid he'd actually have to fight somebody."
In an exclusive interview with CAP News, Aquaman was fairly candid about the layoff, ascribing it to corporate politics.
"You've got dozens and dozens of Superfriends patrolling the land and the sky, but for the 70% of the Earth's surface that's covered by water, there's only me," noted Aquaman. "Do you know how much pressure that is, man?
"You just wait till there's like, a really bad jelly fish thing, or some sort of mutant coral that wants to take over the world, good luck dealing with that without me!" said Aquaman. "I mean, who's going to come to the rescue, Gleek the monkey? Doubt it.
"You know what?" added Aquaman. "I'll see you all in hell."
- CAP News Staff