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CAP News Confirms Existence Of Deep Anus CAP News Confirms Existence Of Deep Anus

BOSTON (CAP) - Speculation has been building for months in the media industry that CAP News, the news division of Crystal Air Productions, has a secret source buried deep in the White House. A top CAP News editor today confirmed it.

"We call him/her 'Deep Anus'," said CAP News Political Editor Gary Stevenson. "Our Deep Anus leaks have been of enormous value in a number of stories we've reported on over the past few months.

"In terms of the name, well, what choice did we have? Woodward and Bernstein already took Deep Throat. There weren't many orifices left to choose from. Deep Vagina? Deep Nostril? Deep Ear? Deep Urethra, for Christ's sake?" Stevenson asked.

Other media outlets were quick to blast CAP News for putting a face on their anonymous source.

"When you give an anonymous source a name, you undermine the whole 'questionable credibility of the source' thing," said an anonymous source - we'll call him Deep Vagina - at FOX News. "What's next, fact checking?"

Gary Stevenson remained unapologetic.

"Look, we're an up-and-coming news organization, a ready target for more established media outlets that feel threatened. Bottom line, I think they're just jealous that they don't have a Deep Anus."

The White House declined to comment for this article, but Deep Anus said that they have quietly launched a secret investigation to try and ferret him/her out.

Good luck Deep Anus, and Godspeed.


-
Contributing Writer

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America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»