Tuesday | January 27, 2015
Cancun Outlaws Banana Hammocks For Spring Break

CANCUN (CAP) - The Mexican Tourism Board confirmed today in a televised statement that all male tourists coming in for Spring Break this year would be banned from wearing thong-style bathing suits, often referred to as "banana hammocks."

"Let's face it," said MTB Chairman Adolfo Gonzalez, "the tiny little Speedo, this is not a good look. Probably one out of every 500 guys could really pull that off, and I don't know where those guys go for Spring Break - but it's definitely not Cancun."

America's Next Top Model runway coach J Alexander, long an advocate of clothing appropriate to the body upon which it is adorned, said string-bottom bathing suits for males creates a number of issues that can't be overcome.

"Increased viewability of excess body hair, rolls of fat spilling over the sparse amount of fabric making it look like the man isn't even wearing any bathing suit at all, that sort of thing," J Alexander told CAP News. "But worst of all is the dreaded One-Gun Salute!"

When pressed by CAP News to elaborate on the so-called One-Gun Salute, Alexander responded with a sassy, "Oh no you DIH-INT!" followed by three snaps and a 'talk to the hand' motion.

Eric Halawa, head of the US Fashion Rights Policy Board, has vowed to fight the ruling, saying Americans have the right to wear whatever they want at the beach, whether they are "fat or ugly or have more back hair than Larry the Cable Guy."

"If some dude on Spring Break wants to rock a man-thong, we say rock on!" extolled Halawa. "Granted, it is Mexico we're talking about, and they should probably be allowed to make whatever rules they want for their own country, but we still stand behind our stand.

"It's not like guys want to hang out with their wangs out!" added Halawa. "These suits are very common in Europe - why can't Mexico be more like Europe?"

In addition to the new passport requirements that recently went into effect, the US State Department is now requiring that all men traveling to Mexico carry at least one pair of board shorts, which need to hang no less than one inch below the knee.

"We're behind Mexico on this one," said State Department spokesperson Terry Belstrom. "Nothing good can come from American men sporting ass-floss bikinis on the beaches of Mexico.

"Nothing."

- CAP News Staff

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Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «» The X-Files returning to Fox with all-new characters E-Cigarette Man, Dentures Man, and Edward Snowden as leader of the reconstituted Lone Gunmen «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» Texas appeals court upholds ruling that bans sale of home abortion kits, says instructional DVD not detailed enough and needs better actors «»