Saturday | November 22, 2014
Cancun Outlaws Banana Hammocks For Spring Break

CANCUN (CAP) - The Mexican Tourism Board confirmed today in a televised statement that all male tourists coming in for Spring Break this year would be banned from wearing thong-style bathing suits, often referred to as "banana hammocks."

"Let's face it," said MTB Chairman Adolfo Gonzalez, "the tiny little Speedo, this is not a good look. Probably one out of every 500 guys could really pull that off, and I don't know where those guys go for Spring Break - but it's definitely not Cancun."

America's Next Top Model runway coach J Alexander, long an advocate of clothing appropriate to the body upon which it is adorned, said string-bottom bathing suits for males creates a number of issues that can't be overcome.

"Increased viewability of excess body hair, rolls of fat spilling over the sparse amount of fabric making it look like the man isn't even wearing any bathing suit at all, that sort of thing," J Alexander told CAP News. "But worst of all is the dreaded One-Gun Salute!"

When pressed by CAP News to elaborate on the so-called One-Gun Salute, Alexander responded with a sassy, "Oh no you DIH-INT!" followed by three snaps and a 'talk to the hand' motion.

Eric Halawa, head of the US Fashion Rights Policy Board, has vowed to fight the ruling, saying Americans have the right to wear whatever they want at the beach, whether they are "fat or ugly or have more back hair than Larry the Cable Guy."

"If some dude on Spring Break wants to rock a man-thong, we say rock on!" extolled Halawa. "Granted, it is Mexico we're talking about, and they should probably be allowed to make whatever rules they want for their own country, but we still stand behind our stand.

"It's not like guys want to hang out with their wangs out!" added Halawa. "These suits are very common in Europe - why can't Mexico be more like Europe?"

In addition to the new passport requirements that recently went into effect, the US State Department is now requiring that all men traveling to Mexico carry at least one pair of board shorts, which need to hang no less than one inch below the knee.

"We're behind Mexico on this one," said State Department spokesperson Terry Belstrom. "Nothing good can come from American men sporting ass-floss bikinis on the beaches of Mexico.

"Nothing."

- CAP News Staff

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Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» CBS cancels new Bill Cosby show, "Women Make The Darnedest Allegations" «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Quarterback Peyton Manning asks to join Detroit Lions "just for this week" so he can try one more time to beat the Patriots «» A survey of children under the age of six finds that most never thought they'd see the day when gas prices dropped below $3 per gallon «»