Monday | April 27, 2015
Democrats Concede 2006 Elections

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Despite recent polls showing overwhelming support for Democrats over Republicans in the upcoming mid-term elections, Democratic leaders in Congress have tossed in the towel on any race that could possibly have resulted in Democratic pick-ups.

"We would have just fucked them up anyways," said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) at a recent press conference. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) was quick to agree.

"While we disagree with our Republican friends on many issues, on one issue we completely agree," said Boxer. "We run terrible, terrible campaigns. We suck, we really do. I mean, you don't even really have to Swift Boat us, we're that bad."

Meanwhile, Republicans were quick to claim chicanery.

"I think it's just a ploy, a strategy for 2008," said Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Tex.). "Keep us in charge, then wait for 2008 and run on how corrupt, inept, ineffective, deluded, misinformed, myopic, immoral and idiotic we are. It's reality-based politics as usual for the Democrats. It's pretty pathetic, really."

Some Republican leaders aren't taking it laying down.

"They want to concede these races? Well, they can't, because we've already conceded them, so there," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist at a recent Terry Schiavo Wax Museum fundraiser in Memphis.

The news is not bad for all politicians involved. Many third-party candidates, such as Divine Mangina, are ecstatic.

"No one is running against me?" asked Mangina, who is running as a Totalitarian Transvestites candidate in Oklahoma. "I'll clean up like a twenty-five cent whore with a full Coke bottle."

The FEC has agreed to look into the legal issues surrounding these mass-concessions.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Quarterly spending reports are out and teenage girls again top the list of "Who Spends All Of Dad's Money On Clothes They'll Never Wear" «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «»