Saturday | March 28, 2015
Democrats Concede 2006 Elections

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Despite recent polls showing overwhelming support for Democrats over Republicans in the upcoming mid-term elections, Democratic leaders in Congress have tossed in the towel on any race that could possibly have resulted in Democratic pick-ups.

"We would have just fucked them up anyways," said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) at a recent press conference. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) was quick to agree.

"While we disagree with our Republican friends on many issues, on one issue we completely agree," said Boxer. "We run terrible, terrible campaigns. We suck, we really do. I mean, you don't even really have to Swift Boat us, we're that bad."

Meanwhile, Republicans were quick to claim chicanery.

"I think it's just a ploy, a strategy for 2008," said Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Tex.). "Keep us in charge, then wait for 2008 and run on how corrupt, inept, ineffective, deluded, misinformed, myopic, immoral and idiotic we are. It's reality-based politics as usual for the Democrats. It's pretty pathetic, really."

Some Republican leaders aren't taking it laying down.

"They want to concede these races? Well, they can't, because we've already conceded them, so there," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist at a recent Terry Schiavo Wax Museum fundraiser in Memphis.

The news is not bad for all politicians involved. Many third-party candidates, such as Divine Mangina, are ecstatic.

"No one is running against me?" asked Mangina, who is running as a Totalitarian Transvestites candidate in Oklahoma. "I'll clean up like a twenty-five cent whore with a full Coke bottle."

The FEC has agreed to look into the legal issues surrounding these mass-concessions.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» Congress passes record 17 bills in one day as House and Senate enjoy a couple ounces of legalized pot before voting «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Five senior GOP lawmakers charged with hazing after administering swirlies and bare-buttock paddling on the 12 new freshman senators «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»