Friday | December 19, 2014
Democrats Concede 2006 Elections

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Despite recent polls showing overwhelming support for Democrats over Republicans in the upcoming mid-term elections, Democratic leaders in Congress have tossed in the towel on any race that could possibly have resulted in Democratic pick-ups.

"We would have just fucked them up anyways," said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) at a recent press conference. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) was quick to agree.

"While we disagree with our Republican friends on many issues, on one issue we completely agree," said Boxer. "We run terrible, terrible campaigns. We suck, we really do. I mean, you don't even really have to Swift Boat us, we're that bad."

Meanwhile, Republicans were quick to claim chicanery.

"I think it's just a ploy, a strategy for 2008," said Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Tex.). "Keep us in charge, then wait for 2008 and run on how corrupt, inept, ineffective, deluded, misinformed, myopic, immoral and idiotic we are. It's reality-based politics as usual for the Democrats. It's pretty pathetic, really."

Some Republican leaders aren't taking it laying down.

"They want to concede these races? Well, they can't, because we've already conceded them, so there," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist at a recent Terry Schiavo Wax Museum fundraiser in Memphis.

The news is not bad for all politicians involved. Many third-party candidates, such as Divine Mangina, are ecstatic.

"No one is running against me?" asked Mangina, who is running as a Totalitarian Transvestites candidate in Oklahoma. "I'll clean up like a twenty-five cent whore with a full Coke bottle."

The FEC has agreed to look into the legal issues surrounding these mass-concessions.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Congress asks Santa Claus for 2015 budget for Christmas, or collectible Hess trucks and some ribbon candy if that's more practical «» Senate Intelligence Committee releases another scathing report detailing how President George W. Bush used to cheat at Parcheesi during White House Friday night game nights «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» President Obama cancels afternoon press conference after what aides say was an "untimely erection" «» Speaker of the House John Boehner admits slipping Joe Biden $20 to pants President Obama to find out if he's a boxers or briefs guy «» Disney cancels release of 'Into The Woods' after American witches threaten to cast a spell on moviegoers and turn them all into newts «» The National Association for the Advancement of Colored Double Amputees launches nationwide protests against police brutality of unarmed black men «» NHL puts rest of season on hiatus due to widespread case of the sniffles, says rinks are "too chilly for these princesses" «»