Sunday | August 30, 2015
Democrats Concede 2006 Elections

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Despite recent polls showing overwhelming support for Democrats over Republicans in the upcoming mid-term elections, Democratic leaders in Congress have tossed in the towel on any race that could possibly have resulted in Democratic pick-ups.

"We would have just fucked them up anyways," said Senator John Kerry (D-Mass.) at a recent press conference. Senator Barbara Boxer (D-Calif.) was quick to agree.

"While we disagree with our Republican friends on many issues, on one issue we completely agree," said Boxer. "We run terrible, terrible campaigns. We suck, we really do. I mean, you don't even really have to Swift Boat us, we're that bad."

Meanwhile, Republicans were quick to claim chicanery.

"I think it's just a ploy, a strategy for 2008," said Senator Kay Bailey Hutchison (R-Tex.). "Keep us in charge, then wait for 2008 and run on how corrupt, inept, ineffective, deluded, misinformed, myopic, immoral and idiotic we are. It's reality-based politics as usual for the Democrats. It's pretty pathetic, really."

Some Republican leaders aren't taking it laying down.

"They want to concede these races? Well, they can't, because we've already conceded them, so there," said Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist at a recent Terry Schiavo Wax Museum fundraiser in Memphis.

The news is not bad for all politicians involved. Many third-party candidates, such as Divine Mangina, are ecstatic.

"No one is running against me?" asked Mangina, who is running as a Totalitarian Transvestites candidate in Oklahoma. "I'll clean up like a twenty-five cent whore with a full Coke bottle."

The FEC has agreed to look into the legal issues surrounding these mass-concessions.

- Rich Gray
Contributing Writer

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Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Society For Gay Racists up in arms over typo that has South Carolina calling for removal of the state's confederate fag «» Rick Perry to announce his 2016 presidential bid during opening statements of his public corruption trial «» Hillary Clinton accuses Rand Paul of crank calling her at 3am but the NSA has no phone records with which to prove it «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» General Mills announces plans to discontinue its new cereal Diabeteos, acknowledges that the sugar content may be "a little high" «»