Sunday | April 19, 2015
Study Finds Many Old People Were Once Young
Dr. Alvin Chambers explains the mathematical formula he came up with to reach his astounding conclusion.

BOSTON (CAP) - According to stunned researchers, a large percentage of the elderly population may not always have been old.

"These results have us deeply concerned," lead scientist Dr. Alvin Chambers, 34, told CAP News. Chambers admitted that he's been having trouble sleeping at night ever since his lab made the unsettling discovery.

"Does this mean I might not stay the way I am forever?" he wondered.

While many Americans admit that they know at least one old person, few say they have ever considered the idea that they might someday be old themselves.

"My grandmother is a wonderful woman," said Minneapolis resident Amy Carter, 28. "She's full of dignity and grace, and I have always admired the strength of her spirit in the face of her constantly failing health. But I would never, ever want to be old like her. Now they're saying that could happen?"

Added Carter, "If that’s the case, they need to figure out how to stop it, now."

Many have pointed out that it doesn't make sense for young people to become old, considering the way the elderly are generally treated.

"From what I can tell, old people have difficult lives," said Ed Hawkins, a 24 year old graduate student. "They live on fixed incomes and in nursing homes, they have health problems; nobody visits them or really wants to listen to them, because of how they're old."

He continued, "People my age are the future. We're attractive, we're fit, and we’re healthy. We're on top of the world - it therefore stands to reason that logically, we should always be there."

Hawkins shook his head. "The idea of young people being forced to live as old people, after having spent so much time being sexy and important - how is that fair? It's horrible to even think about," he said, his voice choking off into a sob.

In light of these findings, a few leading members of the normal-aged community have suggested that the transition between young and old, once it is properly investigated and mapped out, should be made as easy as possible for those who are unlucky enough to be forced to endure it.

"Our culture has always valued youth and attractiveness above oldness and whatever else comes with being old," said Ann Mayor, 31, a research assistant. "Perhaps it's time we took a step back from those ideals and considered the perspectives of individuals who are not young and attractive, since research shows they may once have been those things."

As of press time, further investigations were being made into whether those who became old had perhaps committed crimes or other heinous acts that brought a state of advanced age upon them, or whether oldness, as is the current fear, could have afflicted them regardless of whether or not it was deserved.

- Molly Schoemann
Contributing Writer

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New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «»