Thursday | November 27, 2014
Michelle Obama Booed At Thanksgiving Dinner
Would you cross this woman on Thanksgiving Day?

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Michelle Obama's week went from bad to worse as the First Lady found herself the subject of a round of booing while she served Thanksgiving dinner at the White House today. Eyewitness reports had difficulty identifying the origination of the booing, which by many accounts appeared to be scattered throughout the dining room.

"Secret Service agents believed they had pinpointed the source of the booing to the kids' table, but further investigation revealed a possible second booer situated behind the coffee cart," said White House deputy press secretary Josh Earnest. "We're reviewing security footage at this time."

The CAP News Forensics Team was able to obtain said footage and re-enact the booing in question in a makeshift laboratory set up in the West Wing. Those results combined with advanced audionomics allowed the team to triangulate the unilateral angles of the bidirectional booing and thus identify the alleged second booer within 99.6% accuracy.

"I mean, I, uhh, wasn't planning on booing her, but I heard the kids and you know how you just kinda get caught up in that stuff," said President Obama as he took a second piece of dark meat. "That said, what I did was wrong, but there are more lumps in the gravy than there are in the mashed potatoes. Just saying."

Following word of the CAP News findings, White House officials then tried to downplay the incident, saying that "Mrs. Obama enjoyed dinnertime with her family and was looking forward to a modest helping of dessert followed by a brisk walk to offset the extra caloric intake." Some staffers told CAP News it was likely the First Lady's excessive focus on healthy eating that led to Boogate to begin with.

"Oh my God, enough with the turnips already - it's not like anybody actually eats them," said one dinner guest. "And seriously, how many different squashes do you need in one meal? I'm not touching anything named hubbard, I can tell you that much."

According to reports from other staff members and invited guests, events that transpired prior to dinner being served may also have contributed to the booing incident. One guest who arrived early managed to capture cell phone video of a frantic Michelle asking daughters Sasha and Malia to set the table.

"No, that spoon goes above the plate and - Oh, my God! You call that folding napkins?!?" says Michelle as she explodes at the girls in the grainy video. "I said fold them into little turkeys! No one's going to wipe their mouth on a frigging crumpled napkin ball! What is wrong - wait.

"Where the Hell is your father?!?" she adds before the video cuts out.

Reports that Michelle gave everyone the finger when she realized she was being booed remain unfounded, but those in attendance generally agree she did shoot a series of symbolic icy stares at the president that indicated he will be spending nights on the sofa in the hallway outside the Lincoln Bedroom for the foreseeable future.

- CAP News Staff

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Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «»