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RAMALLAH, West Bank (CAP) - In a stunning development following official election results, John Kerry is now claiming victory in the Palestinian elections. Palestinian Prime Minister Ahmed Qureia and his Cabinet resigned as soon as they heard.
"This is John Kerry reporting for duty!" the new Palestinian leader told a group of cheering Hamas militants outside the parliament building. "Help is on the way!"
Palestinian leaders huddled to determine the shape of the new government as world leaders, including President Bush, insisted Kerry renounce violence, recognize Israel, and do something about that hair-do.
"Things are fine ... in Palestine!" an obviously drunk Theresa Heinz Kerry told the same crowd as revelers fired shots into the air. She spoke for another five minutes but none of it could be printed here.
Israeli politicians from across the political spectrum said there could be no relations with a man who "couldn't even beat George W Bush, for crying out loud." They feared that Kerry's inability to take a stance on anything could lead to increased confusion in the region.
"If you can't beat the terrorists, join the terrorists," Kerry told a group of kidnapped journalists. "It's good to actually be on the winning side of something for a change."
Hamas won 76 seats in the 132-member parliament, thanks in part to a smear campaign orchestrated by the Swift Camel veterans.