Wednesday | September 2, 2015
ISIS Draws Beards, Mustaches On American Currency
Business leaders are up in arms over this latest barbarity, wondering how it will affect the dollar's buying power when George Washington looks like Grizzly Adams.
TOP world STORIES
Islamic Radicals Target 'Garfield Minus Garfield'
The splinter group 'Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Garfield Equals Garfield' is behind this.
U.S. Offers France Pick Of Any Celebrity For Next Peace Rally
Americans are always happy to assist as long as there aren't any other pressing commitments.
Obama Doesn't Rule Out Vacationing In Afghanistan
White House officials plan to make sure he won't have a connecting flight through Singapore.
world BRIEFS
North Korea Fires A Couple Missiles For Attention
Pundits agree that Kim Jong-un is in desperate need of a hobby since his Wii console broke.
Obama To Launch Air Strikes Against Osiris, Anubis
The plan is part of Obama's "I'll Try Anything Once" approach to international diplomacy.
Israel, Hamas Agree On Ceasefire For Potty Break
However, the two can't come to terms on whether the toilet paper should roll over or under.
Obama To Send Kanye West To Iraq To Sort Things Out
Kanye's appointment has already earned him the label of "the Jane Fonda of our generation."
Al Gore, Pope Spar Over Origins Of The Internet
Historians say this is not unlike when Pope Innocent III banned the abacus back in 1200 AD.
Thailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters Desist
Yingluck Shinawatra said she's already working on her "One Night In Bangkok" 2014 calendar.
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U.S. Refuses Half-Time Aid To Hamas Government
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New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «»
New survey finds most parents of young adult terrorists long for the days when kids were more apathetic and just played video games «» Rowan County Clerk Kim Davis now refuses to offer marriage licenses to straight couples, saying after three divorces she just doesn't believe in marriage at all anymore «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «» Donald Trump is slamming White House plans to curb opioid addiction, saying it unfairly targets him and his supporters «» Restaurant Mascots Association reports Jared Fogle no longer invited to summer outing, announces Grimace will bring the potato salad instead «» State Department investigation finds Hillary Clinton did email secret family recipes from her server, but either withheld or encrypted key ingredients «»