Saturday | April 19, 2014
Al Gore, Pope Spar Over Origins Of The Internet
Historians say this isn't the first time a pope and a politician have collided on technology, recalling when Pope Innocent III banned use of the abacus in 1200 AD.
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Thailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters DesistThailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters Desist

Yingluck Shinawatra said she's already working on her "One Night In Bangkok" 2014 calendar.

Obama: Bombing Syria Obama: Bombing Syria "Good Geography Lesson"

He called it an invaluable opportunity to teach kids about another global pain in the ass.

Pope Benedict Upset At Saint Snub, Vows HellfirePope Benedict Upset At Saint Snub, Vows Hellfire

He also promised to "lob a curse or two" at the Vatican to "see how they like them apples."

Newsmakers
China Supplants U.S. As Foremost Pain In The Ass
@HuJintao

China Supplants U.S. As Foremost Pain In The Ass

Osama bin Laden Shoo-In For 2013 Nobel Peace Prize
@OsamabinLaden

Osama bin Laden Shoo-In For 2013 Nobel Peace Prize

Israel, Palestine To Duke It Out On Cupcake Wars
@FlorianBellanger

Israel, Palestine To Duke It Out On Cupcake Wars

Hot Topics
Obama Tells Pakistan To Stop Whining About Drones
#YouCryLikeALittleGirl

Obama Tells Pakistan To Stop Whining About Drones

Japan To Buy China For Reported $2.6 Billion
#NeedAReceiptWithThat?

Japan To Buy China For Reported $2.6 Billion

Photogs Spy Prince Charles Nude In Stoke-on-Trent
#StrokeOnWhatNow?

Photogs Spy Prince Charles Nude In Stoke-on-Trent

Newsreel
Bin Laden Papers Reveal Dozens Of TV Show Reviews

Pundits attribute the al Qaeda leader's expertise in sitcoms and primetime dramas to all the time he spent holed up in his bunker with nothing to do but watch TV.

African Children: Enough With The Schools Already

Local pundits agree that Africa as a nation has more schools than they know what to do with, noting that at last count tallying one school for every four children.

Iran Sentences US Man To Cleaning Toilets

The White House is drafting a strongly-worded letter to Iran sternly requesting his release but is also launching Operation Urinal Cake to secure his freedom.

World Panel Implements Climate Change Freeze

Per the new directive, no climate changes will be allowed for the next six months without the consent of an emergency meeting of the climate change advisory board.

Archives
Prince Harry Pierces Ear, Shaves Head
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    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «» Secretary of State John Kerry says he's "stumped" trying to think of a big word to call Israel in retaliation for being labeled "messianic" by their defense minister. "Frankly, I don't even know what that word means," said Kerry. "Funny how they have a better English vocabulary than we do." «» Embattled Toronto Mayor Rob Ford admits he once ran through City Hall while holding a pair of scissors after video surfaced showing him doing so. "What else does Toronto have to endure at the hands of this madman?" wrote one local blogger. "I don't even trust him with safety scissors." «» Iran President Hassan Rouhani says he will give United Nations inspectors access to his country's movie theatres in time for the premiere of Catching Fire. "What a radical shift from Ahmadinejad, who wouldn't let anyone watch The Hunger Games," said one UN official. "I hope we get some popcorn, too." «» Explorers combing through a desolate section of the Amazon have uncovered a lost tribe of indigenous peoples whose customs have turned popular theory upside down. "We've run numerous experiments, and it turns out these people actually don't like parades," said one researcher. "Next we're going to try them with pie." «» A new report reveals Iranian President Hassan Rouhani has his fingers crossed every time he says he wants amicable diplomatic relations with the West. "We started getting suspicious when he wouldn't shake anyone's hand," said a source. "So we think his Peaceful Bomb Program may be code for something else." «» Germany is formally asking the United States to stop eavesdropping on conversations and remove the hidden cameras that spy on Chancellor Angela Merkel while she's getting dressed. "Seriously? She's like 75 years old. That's just gross," said one German official. "And the Chancellors Gone Wild website is completely uncalled for." «» China is warning of "catacrysmic repelcussions" if Congress doesn't raise the debt ceiling so America can pay its loans to the motherland. "First we repossess Louisiana Purchase and build lots of factory there," said President Xi Jinping. "Next we tax bejesus out of pork fried rice. Should I go on?" «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»