Saturday | April 18, 2015
ISIS Draws Beards, Mustaches On American Currency
Business leaders are up in arms over this latest barbarity, wondering how it will affect the dollar's buying power when George Washington looks like Grizzly Adams.
TOP world STORIES
Islamic Radicals Target 'Garfield Minus Garfield'
The splinter group 'Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Garfield Equals Garfield' is behind this.
U.S. Offers France Pick Of Any Celebrity For Next Peace Rally
Americans are always happy to assist as long as there aren't any other pressing commitments.
Obama Doesn't Rule Out Vacationing In Afghanistan
White House officials plan to make sure he won't have a connecting flight through Singapore.
world BRIEFS
North Korea Fires A Couple Missiles For Attention
Pundits agree that Kim Jong-un is in desperate need of a hobby since his Wii console broke.
Obama To Launch Air Strikes Against Osiris, Anubis
The plan is part of Obama's "I'll Try Anything Once" approach to international diplomacy.
Israel, Hamas Agree On Ceasefire For Potty Break
However, the two can't come to terms on whether the toilet paper should roll over or under.
Obama To Send Kanye West To Iraq To Sort Things Out
Kanye's appointment has already earned him the label of "the Jane Fonda of our generation."
Al Gore, Pope Spar Over Origins Of The Internet
Historians say this is not unlike when Pope Innocent III banned the abacus back in 1200 AD.
Thailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters Desist
Yingluck Shinawatra said she's already working on her "One Night In Bangkok" 2014 calendar.
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U.S. Refuses Half-Time Aid To Hamas Government
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NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «»
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Massachusetts courts upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «» Utah becomes first state to offer stoning as death penalty option, saying it's a criminal's right to have their head bashed in «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «»