Obama To Launch Air Strikes Against Osiris, Anubis
The plan is part of Obama's "I'll Try Anything Once" approach to world diplomacy, not to be confused with his "I've Exhausted Every Other Avenue" base initiative.
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Obama To Deploy Ebola Patients To Syria
In response to critics, Joe Biden said it's America's way of helping all those librarians.
Obama Deploys Drones, Beavers To Protect Iraqi Dam
If this works out, Obama said he'll utilize arctic foxes due to their untapped potential.
Israel, Hamas Agree On Ceasefire For Potty Break
However, the two can't come to terms on whether the toilet paper should roll over or under.
Fatah, Hamas To Collaborate On Rap Album
The breakout rap album features the lyrical styling of Mahmoudy Moud and the Fatah Bunch.
Obama To Send Kanye West To Iraq To Sort Things Out
Kanye's appointment has already earned him the label of "the Jane Fonda of our generation."
Al Gore, Pope Spar Over Origins Of The Internet
Historians say this is not unlike when Pope Innocent III banned the abacus back in 1200 AD.
Thailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters Desist
Yingluck Shinawatra said she's already working on her "One Night In Bangkok" 2014 calendar.
Obama: Bombing Syria "Good Geography Lesson"
He called it an invaluable opportunity to teach kids about another global pain in the ass.
Pope Benedict Upset At Saint Snub, Vows Hellfire
He also promised to "lob a curse or two" at the Vatican to "see how they like them apples."
Vatican Workers Threaten To Strike, Turn Protestant
Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views
Study Suggests Stonehenge Was Prehistoric McDonald's