Friday | March 27, 2015
ISIS Draws Beards, Mustaches On American Currency
Business leaders are up in arms over this latest barbarity, wondering how it will affect the dollar's buying power when George Washington looks like Grizzly Adams.
TOP world STORIES
Islamic Radicals Target 'Garfield Minus Garfield'
The splinter group 'Garfield Minus Garfield Plus Garfield Equals Garfield' is behind this.
U.S. Offers France Pick Of Any Celebrity For Next Peace Rally
Americans are always happy to assist as long as there aren't any other pressing commitments.
Obama Doesn't Rule Out Vacationing In Afghanistan
White House officials plan to make sure he won't have a connecting flight through Singapore.
world BRIEFS
North Korea Fires A Couple Missiles For Attention
Pundits agree that Kim Jong-un is in desperate need of a hobby since his Wii console broke.
Obama To Launch Air Strikes Against Osiris, Anubis
The plan is part of Obama's "I'll Try Anything Once" approach to international diplomacy.
Israel, Hamas Agree On Ceasefire For Potty Break
However, the two can't come to terms on whether the toilet paper should roll over or under.
Obama To Send Kanye West To Iraq To Sort Things Out
Kanye's appointment has already earned him the label of "the Jane Fonda of our generation."
Al Gore, Pope Spar Over Origins Of The Internet
Historians say this is not unlike when Pope Innocent III banned the abacus back in 1200 AD.
Thailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters Desist
Yingluck Shinawatra said she's already working on her "One Night In Bangkok" 2014 calendar.
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U.S. Refuses Half-Time Aid To Hamas Government
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NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «»
NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» New warning issued by U.S. State Department says Iran just 3 to 4 years away from developing microwave popcorn that doesn't burn when overcooked «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» Vladimir Putin voted sexiest man in Russia with 100% of the vote for eighth year running, celebrates with topless serenade around Kremlin «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «»