Friday | August 1, 2014
Israel, Hamas Agree On Ceasefire For Potty Break
While the two sides agree on the need for such a break, they can't come to terms on whether the toilet paper should roll over or under or be single or double-ply.
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Obama To Send Kanye West To Iraq To Sort Things Out
Kanye's appointment has already earned him the label of "the Jane Fonda of our generation."
Al Gore, Pope Spar Over Origins Of The Internet
Historians say this is not unlike when Pope Innocent III banned the abacus back in 1200 AD.
Thailand PM Promises To Disrobe If Protesters Desist
Yingluck Shinawatra said she's already working on her "One Night In Bangkok" 2014 calendar.
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Obama: Bombing Syria "Good Geography Lesson"
He called it an invaluable opportunity to teach kids about another global pain in the ass.
Pope Benedict Upset At Saint Snub, Vows Hellfire
He also promised to "lob a curse or two" at the Vatican to "see how they like them apples."
Vatican Workers Threaten To Strike, Turn Protestant
If workers strike, they could be punished with daily confession and saying 472 Hail Marys.
Obama PUNK'D Initiative To Both Kick Ass, Take Names
The plan treats Kim Jong Un like that annoying kid at the park who won't leave you alone.
Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views
Catholics the world over are planning to protest with a nice steak dinner on Good Friday.
Study Suggests Stonehenge Was Prehistoric McDonald's
Invention of the golden arches predated the wheel, but the dollar menu was centuries later.
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