Monday | March 2, 2015
Massachusetts Issues Lizza D Warning
The warning caught many residents off guard who felt they had already survived the worst with storms that had dumped upwards of 17 feet of snow in some areas.
TOP u.s. STORIES
NY Mayor de Blasio Enlists Tom Selleck To Quell Turmoil
Chief William Bratton said he doesn't feel slighted because he's happy to have a scapegoat.
Nude Calendar Of Ugly People Sells Like Hotcakes
For a behind the scenes look at all that jiggling flesh and wrinkled booty, order yours now!
National Weather Service Replaces 'Polar Vortex' With 'Arctic Horcrux'
With computers doing most of the forecasting, meteorologists need cool names to keep it fun.
u.s. BRIEFS
Wesleyan University Mandates Coed Restrooms By 2017
Facilities will also install dual toilet paper holders in every stall for both over/under.
Cities Unsure How To Handle Public Service Graffiti
Officials are surprised today's youth can stop texting long enough to spray paint anything.
IRS "Didn't Know" Agent Retired In 2003
Some think they vaguely recall a party from back then but can't remember what it was for.
Texas To Execute 15 For Charity
Gov. Perry denies that he intends to televise the event as part of a new Fox reality show.
ACLU Pushes To Rename Hashtags As 'Pound Signs'
The support group Ampersands Anonymous has endorsed the move to minimize errant labeling.
Supreme Court To Vote On Civil Rights For Wiggers
The history of the wigger civil rights movement dates back to the mid-'80s and Vanilla Ice.
u.s. TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Miss America Stripped Of Crown After Midget Allegations
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»
President Obama urging Americans to take part in the Homeland Security magazine drive to help fund the country's anti-terrorism efforts after the department's budget runs out this Friday «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» American comedians announce indefinite hiatus on "smelly Frenchman" jokes to give nation time to heal, will heckle Portuguese instead «» White House upset President Obama wasn't told Benjamin Netanyahu would be guest caller for Congressional Bingo Night «» FCC rules Internet providers must stream all porn at the same speed, whether it's hot babes or skanky ho's «» Rudy Giuliani says President Obama does not love parades; White House calls the accusation "ludicrous" #ObamaLovesAParade «» Ashton Kutcher says he's honored but confused why President Obama would appoint him the next Defense Secretary, but is glad to have something lined up now that 'Two And A Half Men' is over «» Experts question Brian Williams' claim that an IED blew off his limb while reporting in Afghanistan and that he sewed it back on during his return flight to the United States «» New study links measles vaccine with higher chance of not contracting the disease «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «»