Thursday | April 17, 2014
Texas To Execute 15 For Charity
Gov. Perry denies that he plans to televise the event for a new Fox reality show entitled, "So You Wanna Execute A Criminal?" to air during Obama's next speech.
[MORE]
NSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch ThiefNSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch Thief

However, the agency still hasn't been able to determine who's been stealing office supplies.

ACLU Pushes To Rename Hashtags As \'Pound Signs\'ACLU Pushes To Rename Hashtags As 'Pound Signs'

The support group Ampersands Anonymous has endorsed the move to minimize errant labeling.

NYC Replaces Horse-Drawn Carriages With RickshawsNYC Replaces Horse-Drawn Carriages With Rickshaws

If rickshaws don't work out, bicycle messengers have offered to pull people around in wagons.

Newsmakers
Anti-Zombie Groups Fight Pitchfork Control Legislation
@JimInhofe

Anti-Zombie Groups Fight Pitchfork Control Legislation

Boy, 5, Tasered After Fashioning Hand Into Gun
@MattClancy

Boy, 5, Tasered After Fashioning Hand Into Gun

Pentagon Lifts Military Ban On Lifetime TV
@LeonPanetta

Pentagon Lifts Military Ban On Lifetime TV

Hot Topics
NRA: It Is Time To Arm Our Guns
#ThenOnlyGunsHaveGuns

NRA: It Is Time To Arm Our Guns

Author Mentally Casts Film Version Of Unfinished Novel
#StraightToRedbox

Author Mentally Casts Film Version Of Unfinished Novel

Unfortunate Typo Leads To Much Unexpected Nudity
#ItWasAPubicEvent

Unfortunate Typo Leads To Much Unexpected Nudity

Newsreel
Nude Calendar Of Ugly People Sells Like Hotcakes

Plans are in the works for a video series featuring behind the scenes stop-action and slow motion playback of all that jiggling flesh and wrinkled booty shaking.

Nation No Longer Accepting Tired, Poor

The U.S. Immigration Office said any huddled masses can go yearn to be free up in Canada where there's plenty of space or wait a while until we fully colonize Mars.

Scalia: Being On Supreme Court "Super Easy"

The long-time justice said his belief in the infallibility of the Constitution is how he can make snap decisions before coming to a thoughtful, reasoned conclusion.

Prison Industry Adopts Agri-Style Battery Cages

With the advent of stacked wire cages for prisoners, penal officials hope to be able to house double or triple the number of inmates to fight prison overcrowding.

Archives
Dwarf, Midget Count Crucial To 2010 Census
Partners

Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing.

Turned away, threatened, silenced.... a woman's determination to save her only son and expose the dark side of the civil service!! I drop cards EVERYDAY and only to those who drop back. If you want to exchange daily drops, leave a message. Blog awards winner. Good traffic to my blog.
www.thedailyrash.com
Interested in becoming a CAP News partner? Contact us now!

u.s.

BRIEFS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»
    America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie has announced the closure of all exits on the Turnpike whose numerical value is a prime number, but says the move is not politically motivated. "You better know your math before you go driving," he said. "Else you could be in for a very long trip." «» Convicted mobster Whitey Bulger has been sentenced to spend life in prison while his appendages are being nibbled on by rats. "It's not just regular justice, but poetic justice as well," said the prosecutor. "We'll be sure to slather on some Cheez Wiz to make certain he's good and tasty." «» Ohio prisons officials have accidentally given the flu vaccine to death row inmate Ronald Phillips instead of a lethal injection due to a drug mix-up. "We expected to see him writhing in agony, but he's healthy as an ox now," said the warden. "No, he won't be dying anytime soon." «» Fending off calls for her resignation following problems accessing the Obamacare website, Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius has launched an online poker website just to prove she can. "Hey, we're gambling with people's healthcare, so they might as well enjoy some Texas Hold'em while we suck them dry," she noted. «» Maryland Attorney General Douglas Gansler stumbled across a robbery while at the bank yesterday but says he didn't notice it and just went about his business. "In hindsight, the guys wearing masks and brandishing guns should have clued me in," he said. "Thankfully, that's only the second mistake I've made." «» NSA leaker Edward Snowden stopped by the U.S. for a visit, saying he feels safe with the government shut down and nobody working. "Edward who?" said the lone NSA employee in the office. "I can barely keep up with all these wiretaps by myself, let alone chase that guy around." «» The National Weather Service is vowing to engulf America in "the winter from Hell" if the government shutdown doesn't cease and their paychecks resume. "Tornado watches on the East Coast are nothing compared to what we have in store," said one official. "And you thought we just predicted the weather." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «»