Wednesday | November 26, 2014
National Weather Service Replaces 'Polar Vortex' With 'Arctic Horcrux'
Meteorologists say forecasting the weather isn't as fun as it used to be because computers most of the work, so they need some cool names to keep it interesting.
TOP u.s. STORIES
Halloween Extended To Eight Hours For Slow, Obese Kids
With Halloween on a weekend night, it really could turn into a 48-hour candy extravaganza.
Wesleyan University Mandates Coed Restrooms By 2017
Facilities will also install dual toilet paper holders in every stall for both over/under.
Prison Industry Adopts Agri-Style Battery Cages
Not only will they help cut down on cost, but prisons can now stack twice as many inmates.
u.s. BRIEFS
Cities Unsure How To Handle Public Service Graffiti
Officials are surprised today's youth can stop texting long enough to spray paint anything.
IRS "Didn't Know" Agent Retired In 2003
Some think they vaguely recall a party from back then but can't remember what it was for.
Texas To Execute 15 For Charity
Gov. Perry denies that he intends to televise the event as part of a new Fox reality show.
NSA Wiretaps Own Break Room, Nabs Lunch Thief
However, the agency still hasn't been able to determine who's been stealing office supplies.
ACLU Pushes To Rename Hashtags As 'Pound Signs'
The support group Ampersands Anonymous has endorsed the move to minimize errant labeling.
Supreme Court To Vote On Civil Rights For Wiggers
The history of the wigger civil rights movement dates back to the mid-'80s and Vanilla Ice.
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Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «»
Nation's blacks unsure who to turn to for sage advice on Ferguson situation now that Bill Cosby is just a sexual predator «» More Americans feeling compelled to visit relatives over Thanksgiving break due to falling gas prices, wish gas stayed above $3 per gallon just until the holidays were over «» Detroit celebrates exiting bankruptcy with subprime mortgages for the first 10,000 unqualified homebuyers who can falsify a loan application in under 60 seconds «» Obama apologizes for the miscommunication, says Chuck Hagel is "getting down" to a funky beat, not "stepping down" and vacating his seat «» CBS airs pilot of new mini-series "Little Immigrant On The Prairie" instead of Obama speech, wins ratings for night «» NBC airs video of two dogs humping instead of Obama speech, asks viewers to pick which one represents legal American citizens «» ABC airs rerun of old Reagan speech instead of Obama address, panics nation into thinking Russia is going to bomb the U.S. «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Conair ships 20,000 hairdryers to Buffalo so residents can begin melting their way out while still maintaining fabulous hair «» Pope Francis gives America nine months to "clean up your gays" ahead of his visit next fall «»