Friday | January 30, 2015
Cleanup Of Solar Energy Spill Underway In Montana
Sales of sunscreen have skyrocketed throughout the area as officials warn of an extremely high UV index in towns as far away as 50 miles from the spill itself.
TOP tech STORIES
Canon Showcases New 4D Printer At CES
Experts were disappointed that the printer isn't wearable because that would have been cool.
Scientists Successfully Land Probe In Kim Kardashian's Cleavage
This marks the first successful landing between two celestial bodies for scientific research.
Schools Replace Standardized Tests With New IQ App
This finally puts America ahead of Asia for our ability to reduce a child to just a number.
tech BRIEFS
Apple: 'Crappy Child Labor' To Blame For iPhone Woes
Apple alleges the kids are more interested in playing with the iPhones than building them.
USPS Secures Contract To Deliver Email
The deal covers all major email clients except Lotus Notes, which everyone agrees is junk.
Scientists Unearth Largest Upagus Ever To Roam Land
Scholars have launched a "Follow That Upagus!" campaign to help increase public awareness.
Jay Carney Wants To Connect On LinkedIn
Soon everyone in America will play a bit part in the new game, "Six Degrees Of Jay Carney."
Apple Reveals iPhone With 15.6" Viewable Screen
The biggest challenge may be snapping on a case, which takes three people with a crowbar.
New Report Says Report Needed About Seatbelt Use
Pundits say the new report indicates the government is serious about reporting on safety.
tech TRENDING
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «»
ISIS hacks U.S. military's Instagram account, posts pictures of last night's dinner and terrorists making duck lips «» Alternative taxi service Uber comes under fire for not disinfecting back seats after a different kind of "ride sharing" «» Newly retired Jeff Gordon cited for driving in breakdown lane, said he was "going nutty" sitting in traffic «» Congress passes new 'Right To Lie' law for politicians with less than six months left to serve before re-election «» Patriots caught trying to sneak snow-making machine into University of Phoenix Stadium for competitive advantage during Super Bowl «» President Obama concludes trip through Midwest to explain salient points from State Of The Union for that part of the country that only reads at a third grade level «» Body of deceased Saudi King Abdullah bin Abdulaziz to be placed in high pressure kiln and turned into limited edition collectible crude oil «» US Capitol janitor confirms he did have to wake a sleeping Joe Biden from his seat behind the podium while cleaning up hours after the State Of The Union «» Boston judge pardons Mark Wahlberg for 1991 incident in which he attempted to impersonate a singer by releasing "Good Vibrations" «» NFL says if Patriots had deflated footballs, their punt would have wedged in Josh Cribbs' facemask, not bounced off of it «»