Wednesday | April 23, 2014
Apple Reveals iPhone With 15.6
Pundits say the biggest challenge consumers face may be trying to snap on a case to the new iPhone, which takes three people 20 minutes - longer without a crowbar.
[MORE]
New Report Says Report Needed About Seatbelt UseNew Report Says Report Needed About Seatbelt Use

Pundits say the new report indicates the government is serious about reporting on safety.

Google Building Live-Action Minecraft On Barge In BayGoogle Building Live-Action Minecraft On Barge In Bay

However, rumors that they built a giant catapult to launch birds across the Bay are untrue.

Nokia Introduces New Lumia S7 Smart Pinky RingNokia Introduces New Lumia S7 Smart Pinky Ring

The device comes complete with its own small wooden stylus which can double as a toothpick.

Newsmakers
Facebook Graph Search Makes Finding Graphs Easy
@MarkZuckerberg

Facebook Graph Search Makes Finding Graphs Easy

Dog Hostile To Boyfriend? He May Be The Devil
@FrankSchwindenhammer

Dog Hostile To Boyfriend? He May Be The Devil

Email Blast Kills Two, Wounds Eight
@CassandraBrown

Email Blast Kills Two, Wounds Eight

Hot Topics
Bill Nye Video Slams Zombie Apocalypse Theorems
#AreYouGonnaEatThat?

Bill Nye Video Slams Zombie Apocalypse Theorems

Yahoo To Offer Fog-Based Computing Services
#DoYouFog?

Yahoo To Offer Fog-Based Computing Services

Apple, Google Face New Challenger In Fred\'s Tablet
#NowWith10%MorePixels

Apple, Google Face New Challenger In Fred's Tablet

Newsreel
Guy Who Keeps Track Of IP Addresses Exhausted

In this special report, CAP News chats with the man first hired by MIT in 1978 to write down all new IP addresses as they were allocated, a job he does to this day.

Zuckerberg Still Checking For Ex-Girlfriend Response

People often approach the Facebook founder with questions about the business or IPO, and he'll just stare out the window as he refreshes his screen over and over.

NY Times Releases "Where Are the Women?" Software

The new software allows news industry personnel to instantly reframe any story so that women are justly portrayed as the victim and men as their guilty oppressors.

Google Steps Up Charity To Atone For All Their Bad Shit

Whole communities and perhaps even entire third world countries could very well be raised out of poverty thanks to Google's blatant disregard for any boundaries.

Archives
Experts Skeptical About New Google X-Ray Specs
Partners

Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing.

Beruang Rebus
humorvolcano.com
Interested in becoming a CAP News partner? Contact us now!

tech

BRIEFS
Fake Advertisement


Advertise Here

    ALL MATERIAL IS

    SATIRE

    AND ©2005-2014 BY CRYSTAL AIR PRODUCTIONS
    Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» NASA is backpedaling today, saying the planet they believed they discovered revolving around a distant sun was actually just a plane going overhead. "We were excited because we thought we even found inhabitants," said one astronomer. "Looking back, it did seem odd that the planet's name was tattooed across itself." «» Entrepreneur Richard Branson is assembling a team of adventurers whose mission will be to rebuild the now defunct Comet Ison. "Once we have all our supplies - ice chunks, dirt particles, space debris - we'll launch our rocket toward the comet and rebuild it in mid-flight," said Branson. "Ison will live on!" «» Two cosmonauts who carried the Russian Olympic torch on a spacewalk to promote the upcoming Winter Games accidentally dropped the torch and could do nothing but watch as it floated away. Lamented one official, "We told them to try string around wrist like child with balloon, but do they listen?" «» Researchers at ITT Technical Institute have created a state of the art ironing board that doesn't squeal like fingernails on a chalk board when opened. Next they're working on a series of ironing board covers featuring sports and bikini models to try to entice men to actually do the ironing. «» Apple has launched its own vessel iSkiff into San Francisco Bay in order to compete with Google Barge. "We have no idea what Google's doing out there, but we're going to get out there so we can do it, too," said CEO Tim Cook. "Except, you know, do it better." «» BlackBerry users concerned about the company's future since its sale to Fairfax are being allowed to exchange their smartphones for other items of equal value. The buyback program offers up packs of gum, costume jewelry and other trinkets for the devices, which most agree is more than a fair trade. «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «»
    Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» NASA is backpedaling today, saying the planet they believed they discovered revolving around a distant sun was actually just a plane going overhead. "We were excited because we thought we even found inhabitants," said one astronomer. "Looking back, it did seem odd that the planet's name was tattooed across itself." «» Entrepreneur Richard Branson is assembling a team of adventurers whose mission will be to rebuild the now defunct Comet Ison. "Once we have all our supplies - ice chunks, dirt particles, space debris - we'll launch our rocket toward the comet and rebuild it in mid-flight," said Branson. "Ison will live on!" «» Two cosmonauts who carried the Russian Olympic torch on a spacewalk to promote the upcoming Winter Games accidentally dropped the torch and could do nothing but watch as it floated away. Lamented one official, "We told them to try string around wrist like child with balloon, but do they listen?" «» Researchers at ITT Technical Institute have created a state of the art ironing board that doesn't squeal like fingernails on a chalk board when opened. Next they're working on a series of ironing board covers featuring sports and bikini models to try to entice men to actually do the ironing. «» Apple has launched its own vessel iSkiff into San Francisco Bay in order to compete with Google Barge. "We have no idea what Google's doing out there, but we're going to get out there so we can do it, too," said CEO Tim Cook. "Except, you know, do it better." «» BlackBerry users concerned about the company's future since its sale to Fairfax are being allowed to exchange their smartphones for other items of equal value. The buyback program offers up packs of gum, costume jewelry and other trinkets for the devices, which most agree is more than a fair trade. «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «»