Saturday | May 23, 2015
Cleanup Of Solar Energy Spill Underway In Montana
Sales of sunscreen have skyrocketed throughout the area as officials warn of an extremely high UV index in towns as far away as 50 miles from the spill itself.
TOP tech STORIES
Canon Showcases New 4D Printer At CES
Experts were disappointed that the printer isn't wearable because that would have been cool.
Scientists Successfully Land Probe In Kim Kardashian's Cleavage
This marks the first successful landing between two celestial bodies for scientific research.
Schools Replace Standardized Tests With New IQ App
This finally puts America ahead of Asia for our ability to reduce a child to just a number.
tech BRIEFS
Apple: 'Crappy Child Labor' To Blame For iPhone Woes
Apple alleges the kids are more interested in playing with the iPhones than building them.
USPS Secures Contract To Deliver Email
The deal covers all major email clients except Lotus Notes, which everyone agrees is junk.
Scientists Unearth Largest Upagus Ever To Roam Land
Scholars have launched a "Follow That Upagus!" campaign to help increase public awareness.
Jay Carney Wants To Connect On LinkedIn
Soon everyone in America will play a bit part in the new game, "Six Degrees Of Jay Carney."
Apple Reveals iPhone With 15.6" Viewable Screen
The biggest challenge may be snapping on a case, which takes three people with a crowbar.
New Report Says Report Needed About Seatbelt Use
Pundits say the new report indicates the government is serious about reporting on safety.
tech TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Bush Reveals Top-Secret Alternative Fuel: Floam
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»
A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» Apple accidentally unveils new watch at 12pm instead of 1pm after forgetting to turn device forward an hour for daylight savings «» JP Morgan Chase to dismantle Detroit and sell it for parts, saying the demand overseas for after market American cities is strong «» Taylor Swift reveals she was behind extreme censoring of Kanye West song at Billboard Music Awards, telling him "Imma not let you finish" «» ISIS rebels capture another Iraqi city Americans have never heard of but are led to believe is "very important" «» NJ Gov. Chris Christie shuts down Rt 93 in New Hampshire during campaign stops to remind residents why it would be in their interest to elect him president «» America's homophobes lobby in favor of gay marriage to "keep them off the streets" and protect the sanctity of the bar scene for straight men «» NFL announces plans to give up its law exempt status and will have players stop committing crimes and start obeying the law beginning next season «» Protesters in Baltimore are congratulating themselves on "a job well done" and say Freddie Gray would have wanted nothing more than for them to destroy their hometown and all get arrested «»