Saturday | April 19, 2014
NHL To Allow Brass Knuckles During Fights
League officials say they see no difference between fights involving weapons of some sort and blocking a puck flying through the air at speeds of 100 mph or more.
[MORE]
Profile Of An Olympic Failure: Frank BradleyProfile Of An Olympic Failure: Frank Bradley

CAP News takes a look at one Olympic hopeful who really had no chance of making the US team.

Seahawks Remind Everyone They\'re Also In Super BowlSeahawks Remind Everyone They're Also In Super Bowl

Pete Carroll said he still refers to the rosters on nfl.com to try remember who everyone is.

Russia Hires Jack Bauer To Safeguard Sochi OlympicsRussia Hires Jack Bauer To Safeguard Sochi Olympics

Officials admit he will likely kill quite a few bad guys over the course of the two weeks.

Newsmakers
Derek Jeter On DL After Collapsing Into Pile Of Dust
@DerekJeter

Derek Jeter On DL After Collapsing Into Pile Of Dust

NFL Expands Rosters To 54 To Make Room For Gays
@RogerGoodell

NFL Expands Rosters To 54 To Make Room For Gays

Lance Armstrong Admits To Using Training Wheels
@LanceArmstrong

Lance Armstrong Admits To Using Training Wheels

Hot Topics
IAAF To Offer Third Gender Option At 2016 Olympics
#HeyThat'sNotABaton

IAAF To Offer Third Gender Option At 2016 Olympics

All-Star Game To Shift To Ground-Rule Double Derby
#JourneymenGetTheirDue

All-Star Game To Shift To Ground-Rule Double Derby

UFC Champion\'s Wife Tired Of Discussing Leg Kicks
#UltimateFighting

UFC Champion's Wife Tired Of Discussing Leg Kicks

Newsreel
All Known Products Now Sponsoring NASCAR

With brands such as Metamucil, Fake Dog Poo and Fish-Flavored Pepsi now adorning vehicles, racing officials say there simply aren't any more products to advertise.

NFL Announces New 82-Game Regular Season

The new format also includes a change in the playoffs to a best of seven series structure, and allows for teams to suit up over 300 players on a weekly basis.

Black Athletes Give Up On White Sports

The NAACP announced that blacks are being pulled from historically white sports such as golf, tennis and hockey to focus on areas where more of their kind excel.

Tennis Sheds Clothing Layer To Boost Viewership

The WTA has announced plans to "ditch the short skirty-things," noting that they continue to get shorter but are clearly impeding the play of the top female stars.

Archives
Yankees Sign Dr. Oz To Three-Year Deal
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Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

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    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»
    Denver Broncos quarterback Peyton Manning has signed a deal to appear in every commercial that will air during the Super Bowl, plus a few beforehand. "Who doesn't want Peyton's face on their product? Dude's the new Tom Brady," said one pundit. "I guess that makes Tom the new Tim Tebow." «» Seahawks Cornerback Richard Sherman could miss the Super Bowl after receiving a concussion while trying to squeeze his giant head through a doorway. "When you cram my greatness through a sorry normal door, that's the result you gonna get," he said. "But I'm still better at life than all y'all." «» New York Yankee Alex Rodriguez says he will not appeal his 162-game suspension because he would have only played about 40 games next year anyway. "My body is so damaged from all those steroids that I'd just be on the DL anyhow," he said. "The joke's on them, really." «» The Brooklyn Nets have secured a deal with baby product manufacturer Playtex to provide coach Jason Kidd with a supply of sippy cups for his courtside drinks. "Toddlers are tough customers, but Jason will really put to the test just how spill proof our cups are," noted a company spokesperson. «» Six-year-old Boston Red Sox fan Timmy Greene has finally witnessed his beloved team winning the World Series after waiting his entire life for the opportunity. "I never thought I'd live to see this," Timmy said. "To all my two-year-old St. Louis friends: your time will come." «» Following protests over the Washington Redskins' name and subsequent attempts to rename them the Honkeys, the NFL says it will simply replace all team names with numbers. "How do you like them apples, you overly sensitive pansies," said Commissioner Roger Goodell. "Now the Redskins' name will match their game: #2." «» The Tampa Bay Buccaneers have improved to 3-0 versus the staph infection MRSA with the diagnosis of cornerback Johnthan Banks. "We can't win shit on the field, but we're killing this disease," said coach Greg Schiano. "As long as we keep sharing bodily fluids, we'll definitely keep this streak going." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «»