Wednesday | April 23, 2014
Christie Used Hurricane Funds To Host Furry PartiesChristie Used Hurricane Funds To Host Furry Parties
He denies the allegations, saying he actually spent all the money on hookers and booze for those affected by storm who no longer had the money to pay themselves.
[MORE]
Boehner To Feed, Clothe All Affected By Govt ShutdownBoehner To Feed, Clothe All Affected By Govt Shutdown

Boehner said to pretend like we're back in college, living off Ramen noodles for a while.

Joe Biden Uses Shutdown To Work On Tennis SwingJoe Biden Uses Shutdown To Work On Tennis Swing

Joe has issued a "Shutdown Challenge" to impacted Americans to take up a new sport or hobby.

Senate Takes Up Legislation Affirming What A Fox SaysSenate Takes Up Legislation Affirming What A Fox Says

Once this dilemma is resolved, lawmakers hope to identify the sound of one hand clapping.

Newsmakers
New Senate Bill Bans Only Weapons Used In Crimes
@DianneFeinstein

New Senate Bill Bans Only Weapons Used In Crimes

Rand Paul Accused Of Using Filibuster-Enhancing Drugs
@RandPaul

Rand Paul Accused Of Using Filibuster-Enhancing Drugs

President Clinton\'s Bones Found After 12 Years
@PresidentClinton

President Clinton's Bones Found After 12 Years

Hot Topics
Court Rules Obama Kids\' Bedtimes Unconstitutional
#JustALittleBitLonger

Court Rules Obama Kids' Bedtimes Unconstitutional

First Ever Lower Middle Class Congress Sworn In
#OfThe47%ByThe47%

First Ever Lower Middle Class Congress Sworn In

GOP Solution Upgrades Economy To Fiscal Isthmus
#NoManIsAFiscalIsland

GOP Solution Upgrades Economy To Fiscal Isthmus

Newsreel
New Super Committee To Have Less Demanding Name

House Speaker John Boehner said the word "super" would indicate almost inevitable success, and if you know anything about Congress, you know that's not accurate.

Obama Encourages Slacks For Job Seekers

Obama told the unemployed it's time to trade in those lounge pants for a pair of slacks and "show the rest of us that you really want back in to the work force."

Obama Ratings Inflated By Fake Facebook Friends

Documents obtained fraudulently by CAP News detail an extensive effort by White House staff to create fake accounts whose sole purpose has been to 'Like' Obama.

House, Senate Take 'No New Progress' Pledge

Lawmakers who signed the pledge promise to "oppose and vote against any and all efforts to make progress of any kind" for the remainder of their term in office.

Archives
Clinton Allocates Campaign Funds For Breast Augmentation
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Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing.

All about crabs and cuisine.
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    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»
    After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» The man whose job it is to hold the 'applause' sign to queue audience members during President Obama's speeches is demanding a pay raise. "My arms still hurt from the State of the Union," Fritz Gorman said. "And I swear Joe Biden just claps whenever he feels like it. Loser." «» Former first lady Hillary Clinton admitted to CAP News that she hasn't showered since 1996, a defensive mechanism she used to keep Bill away. "It was rough smelling that ripe for so long," she said. "But now that I'm 66, I use old lady perfume and that shit masks everything." «» Following his assertion that marijuana is no worse than alcohol, President Obama continued his comparison crusade by suggesting that eating gizzards is no worse than eating chitlins. "Cooked stomach or cooked intestine: what's the difference? They both taste like ass," he noted. "Black people need to do better than that." «» Researchers at MIT have finished calculating President Obama's approval rating, which they say can be obtained by use of the imaginary number i. "We all learned about the square root of negative one in school," said one mathematician. "But to find it applied in the real world is truly spectacular." «» Liz Cheney has announced that despite her carnal desires to continue pushing, she has decided to pull out. While most family members were tight-lipped over the announcement, sister Mary said she didn't think Liz "ever had it in her to begin with" and was likely faking the entire time. «» A new McClatchy-Marist poll finds President Obama's approval rating has soared to the highest of his presidency among deaf Americans following his speech at Nelson Mandela's memorial service. The sign language interpreter at the service was reportedly "signing gibberish" but clearly what he was signing resonated with deaf Americans. «» Following word that he's leaving the Republican Party, Sen. Ted Cruz has announced that he's also leaving the Hispanic race for an ethnicity to be named later. "Time to try my hand at a new race, or even start my own," Cruz said. "I wish Hispanics all the best, though." «» The White House denies rumors that President Obama is using the powers of the NSA to monitor daughter Malia's phone calls. "I am totally not picking up another line, covering the mouth piece, and listening when boys call her," Obama said. "I much prefer to eavesdrop through her bedroom door." «» President Obama was caught hitting on a pregnant woman during a speech in the White House Rose Garden yesterday when she swooned and fell lovingly into his arms. "Talking about Obamacare does have that effect on women," said an aide. "The whole thing had this weird Scandal vibe to it." «»