Monday | April 27, 2015
Amazon Launches Instantaneous Delivery Service In New York
The new offering allows Amazon to stay one step ahead of its competitors and also paves the way for Amazon Telepathy, which delivers items before they are ordered.
TOP business STORIES
Post Office To Pay Tribute To Glory Days Of Porn
The USPS is hoping to get people interested in discretely-wrapped porn magazines once again.
Walmart To Sell Salvation In Select Cities
There won't be any returns or exchanges unless the salvation is in its original packaging.
New Verizon FIOS Package Records Every Channel All The Time
Customers can turn off recording of the Spanish stations, but the cost remains the same.
business BRIEFS
Five Below Buys Family Dollar, Creates New Store 'Two Fiddy'
Company managers celebrated the deal with burgers from Five Guys and a trip to Six Flags.
Tony The Tiger Admits Frosted Flakes Are 'Pretty Good' At Best
Tony said he is relieved his secret is finally out but he knows he needs to find a new gig.
NY Times Editor Fired For Bringing Vagina To Work
Sources say Jill Abramson and her vagina were "pretty much attached at the hip" every day.
TD Bank Replaces Frumpy Tellers With Sexy Coeds
Anyone opening a new account will receive a new toaster or a pair of slightly-used panties.
Upstart Horsemeat Industry Fights Negative Stereotypes
Meet the man who hopes to change your view of the horse from companion animal to main dish.
More Workplace Bullying Being Outsourced Overseas
Despite the disappointing news, pundits say Americans remain #1 in stealing office supplies.
business TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Romney Restructures Wayne Industries
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» After avoiding jail for sharing state secrets with his mistress biographer, David Petraeus said if he had to do it all over again, he would because "the sex was really, really good" «» New York City vows to reduce its output of white trash by 90% over next 10 years, promises better class of resident "to make country proud" «» New study finds that adults who breastfeed are 58% more likely to be ostracized by their peers and ridiculed for having a milk mustache «» A new poll finds 73% of those who would buy a consumer drone plan to use it to fire BB's at neighborhood dogs who come into their yard to poop «» Massachusetts court upholds conversion therapy law that allows Red Sox fans to seek professional help for spouses who are Yankees fans «» Organizers of the 150th Anniversary Lincoln Assassination Reenactment say in hindsight, it may not have been a good idea to have Nicki Minaj perform "Bang Bang" «» Hillary Clinton says if elected president, she will provide everyone free email accounts on her private server, complete with 2GB of storage «» Major League Baseball implements two-drink minimum at all stadiums to help fans forget just how much time they're spending at the park for a single game «»