Friday | April 25, 2014
Shoppers Fight Over Last Incandescent Light Bulbs
Incidents like this one in Mass. are popping up around the country as consumers realize the way of life they've known for 150 years has come to a grinding halt.
[MORE]
TD Bank Replaces Frumpy Tellers With Sexy CoedsTD Bank Replaces Frumpy Tellers With Sexy Coeds

Anyone opening a new account will receive a new toaster or a pair of slightly-used panties.

Mischievous E-Trade Baby Shuts Down Stock ExchangeMischievous E-Trade Baby Shuts Down Stock Exchange

Binkie futures were up as markets reacted to the news with a lullabye and sippy cup of milk.

BlackBerry CEO Guns For Appearance On Shark TankBlackBerry CEO Guns For Appearance On Shark Tank

He said if that doesn't work, he's going to create a bunch of bogus entries on Kickstarter.

Newsmakers
Investigation: Most Coke Zero Cans Actually Empty
@EricHolder

Investigation: Most Coke Zero Cans Actually Empty

Steve Jobs Stamp Incompatible With Most Envelopes
@SteveJobs

Steve Jobs Stamp Incompatible With Most Envelopes

Spam Futures Decline On Weaker Demand For Cialis
@RandallKiper

Spam Futures Decline On Weaker Demand For Cialis

Hot Topics
New Auto Standards Call For Flying Cars, Lasers
#ChittyChittyBangBang

New Auto Standards Call For Flying Cars, Lasers

Marketing Exec Injured At Social Media Boot Camp
#IHurtMyTweeter

Marketing Exec Injured At Social Media Boot Camp

Whiskas Launches New Meowbivalent Cat Food Line
#HateTheCatFoodNotTheCat

Whiskas Launches New Meowbivalent Cat Food Line

Newsreel
Reader's Digest To Offer New Abridged Version

The new "Morsel Edition" fits completely on one side of an 8 1/2 by 11-inch piece of paper, providing consumers a chance to at least pretend they read for leisure.

Larry Page Denies Using Google To Destroy Enemies

Former elementary school classmate Andrew Tofler says he was never arrested for kidnapping a toddler with the intent to eat it, despite what Google News shows.

Employers Back Merit Based Contraception Coverage

New legislation allows employers to withhold contraception from female workers if job performance is lacking, forcimg them to abstain or go with the rhythm method.

Post Office To Pay Tribute To Glory Days Of Porn

In an effort to save their industry, the USPS is planning a push to get people interested in having discretely-wrapped porn magazines delivered to their houses.

Archives
Bush To Publish Memoir As Pop-Up Book
Partners

Giant Space Asteroids II - The Revenge!

Like most columnists, I started in this business for one reason and one reason only: to win the Nobel Prize for Column Writing.

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    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»
    United Airlines is launching a pilot program on all domestic flights over two hours that allows passengers to BYOB. "Now that we've furloughed hundreds of flight attendants, passengers need to take care of their own alcohol," said a spokesperson. "If this works, we're going to try BYO Snack Nuts next." «» Snack giant Lay's has introduced a new potato chip called 'Soggy Pickle' for their Childhood Memories line. "No, it's not a flavor: they're actually soaked in pickle juice just like lunch when you were a kid," said one developer. "The tough part is how to keep half the chip crunchy." «» Executives for Life Choice Foods admit they have never actually tasted their own product and after doing so, agree it tastes like crap. "Guess we should have tried these protein bars first," said the CEO. "I had to go eat some dirt to get the taste out of my mouth." «» The White House reports President Obama has taken a temporary job at a local laundromat to help make ends meet during the current government shutdown. "Whites, darks, dry clean, perma press - we've got it all," said Obama. "Listen, if I can do it, the other 700,000 impacted Americans can, too." «» Google is planning to bring oat bran, flaxseed and other whole grains to 34 cities as part of its burgeoning Google Fiber project. "Muffins, cereal, breads - we aim to keep America regular," said a spokesperson. "Our country may have an obesity epidemic, but we don't have to poop like it." «» After suggesting that learning a trade is a better career choice than an art history degree, President Obama has offered his apologies by delivering coffee and doughnuts to unemployed art history majors. "Chin up, my jobless friends," he said. "This country needs more baristas who can wax poetic about Rembrandt." «» Vietnamese developer Dong Nguyen has released the long-awaited sequel to Flappy Bird with the latest killer app for social media, Flappy Gums. "People like to talk about theirself and my new app give them point for every self-serving comment they make," Nguyen said. "Double point for posting selfie!" «» The CDC reports that a mysterious stomach ailment has befallen 65% of the American population, with symptoms appearing en masse just hours following the conclusion of the Super Bowl. Most the cases are centered around the Pacific Northwest and appear related to that area's overall consumption of buffalo chicken dip. «» America's biracial families have released a statement condemning new Peanut Butter Cheerios, saying the fury over MSNBC's recent tweet is misplaced. "The real travesty here is that nobody's calling out General Mills for all these craptastic Cheerios flavors they're rolling out," said a spokesperson. "Leave multigrain families out of it." «» Chinese officials are preparing to launch a group of children into space as part of a mission to fix that country's broken moon rover. "We hand-selected the finest worker from all of China sweatshop," said the Xinhua news agency. "They will restore China intergalactic glory or perhaps die trying." «»