Monday | March 30, 2015
Amazon Launches Instantaneous Delivery Service In New York
The new offering allows Amazon to stay one step ahead of its competitors and also paves the way for Amazon Telepathy, which delivers items before they are ordered.
TOP business STORIES
Post Office To Pay Tribute To Glory Days Of Porn
The USPS is hoping to get people interested in discretely-wrapped porn magazines once again.
Walmart To Sell Salvation In Select Cities
There won't be any returns or exchanges unless the salvation is in its original packaging.
New Verizon FIOS Package Records Every Channel All The Time
Customers can turn off recording of the Spanish stations, but the cost remains the same.
business BRIEFS
Five Below Buys Family Dollar, Creates New Store 'Two Fiddy'
Company managers celebrated the deal with burgers from Five Guys and a trip to Six Flags.
Tony The Tiger Admits Frosted Flakes Are 'Pretty Good' At Best
Tony said he is relieved his secret is finally out but he knows he needs to find a new gig.
NY Times Editor Fired For Bringing Vagina To Work
Sources say Jill Abramson and her vagina were "pretty much attached at the hip" every day.
TD Bank Replaces Frumpy Tellers With Sexy Coeds
Anyone opening a new account will receive a new toaster or a pair of slightly-used panties.
Upstart Horsemeat Industry Fights Negative Stereotypes
Meet the man who hopes to change your view of the horse from companion animal to main dish.
More Workplace Bullying Being Outsourced Overseas
Despite the disappointing news, pundits say Americans remain #1 in stealing office supplies.
business TRENDING
CAP NEWS VAULT
Romney Restructures Wayne Industries
LEGAL
ALL MATERIAL IS

SATIRE

AND ©2005-2015 BY CAP NEWS
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»
Starbucks nixes plans to raise awareness of racial inequality by allowing patrons to only purchase drinks that match the color of their skin «» Burger King announces plans to remove unhealthy options from kids meals, will offer empty boxes for $1.99 «» Porn website '2 Fat Chicks And A Concrete Barrel' files lawsuit against Black Lives Matter for trademark infringement following highway protest in Boston «» NSA offers voucher to Israel for free course on spying and other illicit surveillance to help them not get caught next time «» NFL announces plans not to broadcast half a dozen Oakland Raiders games next season, offers cash prizes for anyone who notices which ones «» Audubon Society reports birds returning to Massachusetts for spring are "confused as shit" and not sure where to go until it warms up «» A letter sent to the White House has tested positive for proper grammar and punctuation, leading to speculation that it must have come from overseas «» Ted Cruz says he wants to become president so his dog can pee on the White House lawn «» New survey finds 73% of Americans feel like a nut 54% of the time, while 63% of Americans don't 47% of the time «» New York latest state to ban sneezing while driving, calling it the third most distracting event for drivers behind texting and masturbation «»