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Survey Says Catholics Upset Over Pope's Catholic Views
WASHINGTON (CAP) - American Catholics this week, while generally happy with the newly elected Pope Francis, expressed disappointment that the new head of the Catholic Church insisted on espousing such Catholic views.
A new study out of the Pew Research Center said that while 74 percent of American Catholics approve of Archbishop Jorge Mario Bergoglio's appointment as pontiff, almost 60 percent wished he held different views on abortion, premarital sex, contraception and same-sex marriage.
"Most respondents questioned why the pope has to be so darn Catholic, to use a phrase that came up over and over again," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel. In addition to those issues mentioned above, most Catholics weren't thrilled with the new pope's views on adultery, masturbation and "pretty much any of that sex stuff," said Spitznagel, again quoting the study.
"Just once I'd like to see a pope who didn't have a problem with premarital sex," said Carole Thomson, 29, who describes herself as a "devout Catholic" who nonetheless has never married and has had 19 sexual partners, some of them women.
"It seems kind of backward in this day and age to have the leader of the Catholic Church unwilling to bend on some of these things," she said, referring to the basic tenets of the Catholic religion that the pope is sworn to uphold.
Most Catholics did agree, though, that Pope Francis was an improvement over Pope Benedict, whose excuse for not stopping the church's child sex abuse scandal was that he was hard of hearing and thought the priests were actually "amusing" children.
"Also, we're pretty sure the new guy's not a Nazi, so there's that," said Thomson.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In the wake of continued threats against the United States by North Korean leaders comes word that President Obama is set to launch a new initiative aimed at "putting the smack down" on that country's nuclear threat.
"Frankly, I'm sick of the bullshit and their mamby pamby games: moving missiles here, moving missiles there," Obama said during today's press briefing. "Do you need a missile? We'll send you a missile. We'll send you a dozen fucking missiles.
"I have one message for you, Kim Jong Un," he added. "Back the fuck up, or prepare to be PUNK'D."
Operation PUNK'D - Plan and Undertake North Korean Disarmament - involves "bombing the fuck out of those fuckers until there's nothing fucking left," according to Pentagon documentation on the program.
"Simply planning and undertaking North Korean disarmament is not going to garner a whole lot of public excitement," said Defense Secretary Chuck Hagel. "But telling people that North Korea's been PUNK'D? Now that's something America's youth can get behind."
The documentation notes that bombing will continue "until South Korea is the only Korea" and "Kim Jong Un is Kim Gone None." Then Obama said he'll dig out President Bush's old Mission Accomplished sign and declare North Korea PWNED.
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