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Apple Sued By Chicago PD Over New '2-Way Wrist TV'
CHICAGO (CAP) - The Chicago Police Department has filed a lawsuit in federal court against Apple Inc., claiming the company's proposed iWatch violates the patent on their own "2-Way Wrist TV."
"These have been standard issue here for years," noted Police Chief Pat Patton, explaining that the department upgraded from 2-Way Wrist Radios to the 2-Way Wrist TV in 1964, thanks to the largess of local industrialist billionaire Diet Smith.
"Our men have gotten out of more scrapes thanks to these babies than you can imagine," added Patton, pointing to the cigarette-pack-sized metal box strapped to his wrist. "We have one detective alone who's used his 2-Way Wrist TV while apprehending dozens of crooks," including The Blank, Little Face Finney, Pruneface, The Brow, Shaky and Pear Shape.
"Oddly enough none of them had actual names," noted Patton.
For his part, Apple CEO Tim Cook said while he can't reveal details about the proposed iWatch, he could say it will bear little resemblance to the 2-Way Wrist TV. "For one thing, it won't have those two big metal knobs coming out the side," he said. "Or that little Geiger-counter window thingie at the bottom, whatever that's for."
He also noted that while Diet Smith Industries is based in Illinois and uses only American workers, the iWatch, like all Apple products, will be assembled entirely by Chinese orphans.
Industry analysts have noted that there has been tension between Apple and the Chicago Police since the late '90s, when Detective Richard Tracy arrested then-Apple CEO Steve Jobs, who at that time was going by his criminal alias The Turtleneck.
BOSTON (CAP) - Twitter's vast network of assholes is taking credit this week for the location and capture of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, noting that without their constant uninformed speculation, it's highly doubtful he would have been found.
"We were tweeting literally 24 hours a day all week about this," noted a Twitter asshole known as @sux4uu. "We had some really good ideas, like that it was fundamentalist Muslim clerics, or renegade priests, or Whitey Bulger."
Though not a single suggestion on Twitter wound up yielding anything close to reality, @sux4uu noted that without their contributions, the investigation would have been "wicked boring."
The assholes also heralded their ongoing transcription and regurgitation of myriad sources, both legitimate and specious - including Tweeting out information from police scanners that officials said could have tipped off the suspect to their strategy.
"We were like doing the media's job for them," said Twitter asshole @PantsHockey, whose scanner Tweets as authorities approached the suspect in Watertown prompted an official response from the Boston Police Department: "Knock it off, asshole!"
"Whatevs. #bostonstrong!," tweeted @PantsHockey in response.
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