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NUTRITION
Traditional Southern Diet, Fat Asses May Be Linked
TUSCALOOSA, Ala. (CAP) - New research from the University of Alabama suggests that regular consumption of what is often considered a traditional Southern diet may be directly linked to the mammoth posteriors attached to those who partake in such meals.
"Fatty foods are high in cholesterol, sugary drinks are linked to diabetes and salty foods lead to high blood pressure," said lead researcher Jerry Truvant. "And all of it turns you into a lard ass."
The study involved assessments of more than 20,000 people aged 45 and over shopping at various Wal-Mart stores throughout the South. In order to ensure data was not skewed, researchers avoided anyone who already had their paws in a bag of pork rinds before even leaving the store.
"The fact is, stores like Wal-Mart have already expanded the width of their aisles so these heffers can walk two abreast," said Truvant. "Toilet manufacturers are constructing wider bowls because the fatties demand it.
"Maybe it's time you passed on that fifth corn dog and try an apple," he added.
Previous research had shown the asses of those who ate a Southern diet to be about 20% larger than people who didn't fry everything, but the new study suggests those derrieres are over 40% bigger.
"The stretch pants industry is alive and well, that's for sure," noted Truvant. "The skinny pants industry? Ehh, not so much."
Truvant said the Wal-Mart researchers also gathered "an amazing amount of data" on personal hygiene and parenting skills, but indicated they would save that for a new study later this year.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.
"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.
"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."
In fact, Spitznagel said the pomp and circumstance of the reality show wedding discredited the very sanctity of marriage to such a degree that not even gays are interested in getting married anymore.
"I've been lobbying for years to be able to marry my longtime boyfriend and it's so close to happening," said St. Paul, Minn. resident Gary Petry. "But now I look at those two and think - is that what I'm fighting for? To have the same tax withholding as them?"
Meanwhile, Middle Class America continues to cry itself to sleep at the thought of how much money that family makes for each episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which insiders say is "somewhere in the vicinity of $5,000 per fart."
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