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New Iran Fighter Jet Looks Just Like Missing U.S. Drone
TEHRAN, Iran (CAP) - As Iran President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad unveiled what he called an "advanced new fighter jet," U.S. officials did a double-take upon seeing media pictures of the plane, which they say bears more than just a striking resemblance to an American unmanned aerial vehicle.
"Remember back in early December when Iran said they captured one of our drones and we said no you didn't?" said White House Press Secretary Jay Carney. "Well, this is that drone that we didn't lose that they didn't capture.
"So, uhh, who wants to talk about the economy?" Carney added.
Pentagon officials pointed out that while Iran did spruce it up a bit by carving out a cockpit and slapping on some stickers from a model airplane kit, they did little to disguise the fact that the underlying machine was once a U.S. drone.
"I mean, hell, they didn't even remove the Made In China label on the fuselage," said Joint Chiefs Chairman Gen. Martin Dempsey. "Although the leopard skin seat cover and fuzzy dice are a nice touch."
For their part, Iranian officials insist their military "built it all by themselves" with a kit purchased from eBay. However, Iran could not explain where they got the additional weapons mounted to their new fighter jet that look a lot like guns the U.S. sold to Egypt some years back.
"I haven't the faintest idea how arms that we sold to Egypt could have ended up in Iran's hands," Dempsey said. "So, uhh, who wants to talk about the economy?"
Ahmadinejad tried to allay international fears by assuring world leaders that his country built the jet "just to see if we could" because they simply couldn't pass up eBay's Buy It Now price.
"Don't you worry, America, we won't be going all North Korea on your ass," said Ahmadinejad. "If we decide to try to aim bomb at you, we won't tell you ahead of time."
VATICAN CITY (CAP) - Vatican employees are threatening en masse to leave the Catholic faith and convert to Protestantism if Pope Francis does not back down from his decision to cancel bonuses for workers following his election.
"Well, on your way out, don't let the door hit you where the good Lord split you," said Pope Francis as he waved off the threat. "The only way anyone's getting any extra money around here is if they get fiddled by a priest and sue us.
"Otherwise, get back to work," he added. "My robes don't fold themselves."
Traditionally, the Vatican's 4,500 employees would receive a bonus upon the death of one pope and another upon the election of his successor, but with all the hush money being paid to abused altar boys around the world, Vatican coffers are fairly dry.
"Had I known Pope Franny Pants was going to be such a tightwad, I would have voted for that Christoph Schoenborn guy," said one bishop. "Well, back to hoping Uncle Benny kicks the bucket soon and maybe we can get one then."
Meanwhile, Protestant leaders released a statement saying they have no interest in a few thousand Catholic castoffs, noting that they are too busy trying to remind the world that their religion even exists to "de-Catholicize people who have been doing it wrong all these years."