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Pentagon Lifts Military Ban On Lifetime TV
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Officials at the Pentagon are planning to lift a nearly 25-year ban on Lifetime Television, allowing members of the military on active duty to watch the cable network for the first time since President Bush senior was in office.
"With the impending influx of women into combat positions, we felt it was time to broaden the scope of what our military personnel can do to wind down after a long day of defending the country," said Defense Secretary Leon Panetta. "Spike TV has long been a staple of military entertainment, so we figured it was only fair."
Women's rights groups are lauding the decision, saying the more the Pentagon can make the front-line "feel like home," the more likely women are to apply for those positions. The Female Advocacy Group Gender Outreach Team, which was instrumental in lifting the ban, says green tea and Milano cookies are next on the agenda.
"Okay, so fuzzy slippers and a bathrobe might be a stretch," said FAGGOT spokesperson Missy Fortenski. "But if you're going to relax with some Lifetime TV, beef jerky and a Red Bull won't cut it."
However, it's that very scope creep that concerns critics who say the military isn't ready for wholesale changes to the way they've done business for decades. They point to the addition of gays in the military, which started slowly by allowing them to serve dinner and only recently began to include Bravo.
"So are we supposed to halt all combat missions once a month while the women are all curled up on the sofa sobbing uncontrollably as Tracy Gold gets the snot beat out of her by an ex-boyfriend, screaming how much they hate their superior officers?" said Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA). "Oh, yeah, terrorists love that shit."
In order to help spread the word about the new positions available to women, recruitment offices around the country will begin giving out free "Don't Shoot - I'm Pregnant!" bumper stickers to every female between the ages of 18-24 who enlists.
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
She explained how she and Todd scooped up all the kids and rushed into the house "just in the nick of time" before two more explosions erupted. She noted that if not for the quick thinking of Piper in grabbing the burlap sack full of grouse, the family might have gone hungry that day.
"She's a trooper, that little Piper!" Palin said. "Wait - or is Trooper one of my other kids? I can never keep track. No, wait! That's it: Track. I knew it began with a T."
Despite her assertions to the contrary, none of the gathered reporters could see the volcano, or any volcano, from any part of the Palin property. Sarah pointed out that because of the rotation of the Earth, it's only visible at certain times of the week.
We decided to take her word for it.
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