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Justice Clarence Thomas Breaks Silence, Wind
WASHINGTON (CAP) - Supreme Court Justice Clarence Thomas surprised onlookers and fellow justices alike this week by breaking his silence during the arguments of a current case, and then further stunned the courtroom by breaking wind.
The court then took a brief recess while Lysol applications were disbursed around the area of the bench.
"That lady lawyer was going on and on about how awesome she is because she went to Yale and all of a sudden ... oh my God, it was so loud - and long," CAP News court reporter Dan Fielding said. "He's obviously been holding that in for seven years."
Those in attendance said at that point the veritable floodgates opened as a much more relaxed and less squirmy Thomas returned to the bench and "wouldn't shut the fuck up." When the court adjourned for the day, Thomas was still babbling.
"Dude hasn't spoken in seven years and now no one can get a word in edgewise," said one Washington Post reporter. "And I lost track of how many times he said pubic.
"He's obviously been holding that in for 20 years," he added.
On the whole, the other justices remained reserved during the day's events, although Antonin "That Was Easy" Scalia did appear annoyed and visibly upset throughout the proceedings at having been upstaged by Thomas.
"Yeah, wait'll we hear arguments next week on Taco Tuesday," he was later overheard telling Chief Justice Roberts. "Then we'll see who has the last laugh."
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
She explained how she and Todd scooped up all the kids and rushed into the house "just in the nick of time" before two more explosions erupted. She noted that if not for the quick thinking of Piper in grabbing the burlap sack full of grouse, the family might have gone hungry that day.
"She's a trooper, that little Piper!" Palin said. "Wait - or is Trooper one of my other kids? I can never keep track. No, wait! That's it: Track. I knew it began with a T."
Despite her assertions to the contrary, none of the gathered reporters could see the volcano, or any volcano, from any part of the Palin property. Sarah pointed out that because of the rotation of the Earth, it's only visible at certain times of the week.
We decided to take her word for it.
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