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Toilet Sizes Expand To Meet Needs Of Obese Nation
MORROW, Ga. (CAP) - As the girth of American midsections continues to increase, so too must the tools used to manage and care for those ever-widening waistlines. That's the finding of the Department of Health and Human Services' Annual Sanitation Assessment. released this morning.
"The size and shape of toilet seats hasn't changed in over 120 years, yet we as a people are fatter than we've ever been," said National Coordinator for Health Information Technology Farzad Mostashari. "We eat big, and we shit big. And we need a toilet that can keep up with us."
The Assessment's recommendation deals specifically with the width of toilet bowls, calling for the ACTS ratio not to exceed 1.3. The Ass Cheek/Toilet Seat ratio also determines how long a person can sit on the toilet before their buttocks become numb.
"30 minutes was always the standard, hopefully exceeding what any reasonable person would need," said Mostashari. "Nowadays people are lucky if they can sit for five minutes without losing all sensation in their rump.
"When you can sit on a toilet after forgetting to put the seat down and not fall in, you know it's time for a bigger toilet," he added.
Manufacturers are already on board with the DHHS guidelines, with many announcing product lines that meet the new specifications. Among those are Toto's Double-Wide Drake II, Caroma's Quad-Flush Big Boy, and Kohler's Cimarron Megass K-3589.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.
"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.
"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."
In fact, Spitznagel said the pomp and circumstance of the reality show wedding discredited the very sanctity of marriage to such a degree that not even gays are interested in getting married anymore.
"I've been lobbying for years to be able to marry my longtime boyfriend and it's so close to happening," said St. Paul, Minn. resident Gary Petry. "But now I look at those two and think - is that what I'm fighting for? To have the same tax withholding as them?"
Meanwhile, Middle Class America continues to cry itself to sleep at the thought of how much money that family makes for each episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which insiders say is "somewhere in the vicinity of $5,000 per fart."
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