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Voting Underway For Next Apocalyptic Event

NEW YORK (CAP) - After having survived the latest apocalyptic event, voting is now underway to determine the next method by which the world will come to an end. Ballots are pre-printed but write-in campaigns are always welcome.
"We've got the usuals covered - asteroid, zombies, Mark Sanchez finding another starting job in the NFL - that sort of thing," said John Milius, head of the independent think tank, Team Apocalypse. "But we're always looking for something with a little more pizzazz."
The vote is a non-binding referendum, as Team Apocalypse will need to weigh a number of factors to determine the best cataclysmic scenario to next befall the human race. If a particular event won't play well enough in the media to whip everybody into a state of frenzied panic, then pundits say it's not worth anyone's time.
"The problem with the Mayan apocalypse is that it lacked specificity," said CAP News theologian Don Novello. "Sure, we knew when the world was going to end, but we had no idea how.
"That's impossible to plan for," added Novello. "And in a capitalist society, someone somewhere has to benefit from this sort of thing, so we need to be precise."
Polls will remain open for the next couple of weeks, which noncoincidentally runs parallel with the approximate length of time most New Year's resolutions will last. Team Apocalypse hopes to have something in place by late summer, but says people are welcome to start worrying now.

WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
She explained how she and Todd scooped up all the kids and rushed into the house "just in the nick of time" before two more explosions erupted. She noted that if not for the quick thinking of Piper in grabbing the burlap sack full of grouse, the family might have gone hungry that day.
"She's a trooper, that little Piper!" Palin said. "Wait - or is Trooper one of my other kids? I can never keep track. No, wait! That's it: Track. I knew it began with a T."
Despite her assertions to the contrary, none of the gathered reporters could see the volcano, or any volcano, from any part of the Palin property. Sarah pointed out that because of the rotation of the Earth, it's only visible at certain times of the week.
We decided to take her word for it.
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