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SURVEYS & POLLS
Voting Underway For Next Apocalyptic Event
NEW YORK (CAP) - After having survived the latest apocalyptic event, voting is now underway to determine the next method by which the world will come to an end. Ballots are pre-printed but write-in campaigns are always welcome.
"We've got the usuals covered - asteroid, zombies, Mark Sanchez finding another starting job in the NFL - that sort of thing," said John Milius, head of the independent think tank, Team Apocalypse. "But we're always looking for something with a little more pizzazz."
The vote is a non-binding referendum, as Team Apocalypse will need to weigh a number of factors to determine the best cataclysmic scenario to next befall the human race. If a particular event won't play well enough in the media to whip everybody into a state of frenzied panic, then pundits say it's not worth anyone's time.
"The problem with the Mayan apocalypse is that it lacked specificity," said CAP News theologian Don Novello. "Sure, we knew when the world was going to end, but we had no idea how.
"That's impossible to plan for," added Novello. "And in a capitalist society, someone somewhere has to benefit from this sort of thing, so we need to be precise."
Polls will remain open for the next couple of weeks, which noncoincidentally runs parallel with the approximate length of time most New Year's resolutions will last. Team Apocalypse hopes to have something in place by late summer, but says people are welcome to start worrying now.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a sweeping and unusual move, the Justice Department has secretly obtained two months' worth of telephone records of journalists working for Cosmopolitan magazine, uncovering in the process hundreds of secret sex tips beyond those published in every issue of the magazine for the last 27 years.
According to Cosmo editor-in-chief Joanna Coles - author of How To Set His Man Bits On Fire, Possibly Literally - federal authorities obtained cellular, office and home telephone records of five individual sex tip reporters and both the Sex Tip Editor and Deputy Sex Tip Editor. She called the Justice Department's actions a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into sex-tip-gathering activities.
"Which ironically enough would also describe many of our sex tips," she noted.
"We don't just make up these sex tips - they require hours upon hours of interviews and research with sex tip experts, many of them anonymous, for obvious reasons," added Coles. "Okay, we do make up most of them, but we'd rather the Justice Department didn't know that."
Critics of Attorney General Eric Holder have said the sex tip scandal puts a whole new perspective on the 2009 Holder moose meat probe. But Holder said the sex tip subpoenas were vital to national security.
"It's very difficult for our nation's decision makers to concentrate on their important work if their man bits aren't being thrown a party they'll never forget," said Holder, noting that in addition to the trove of sex tips the subpoenas uncovered more than 200 additional synonyms for "man bits."
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