- Girl Scouts: The Silent Killers
- Study Suggests Stonehenge Was Prehistoric McDonald's
- Wolfgang Van Halen Sick Of Being Hit On By 45-Yr-Olds
Conn. Shootings Make Jack Reacher Look Even Stupider
PITTSBURGH (CAP) - Paramount Pictures postponed Saturday's premiere of the Tom Cruise film Jack Reacher in the wake of the Newtown, Conn. school shootings, which made the action movie look even more ridiculous and irresponsible than it had prior to the tragic events.
"As we prepared the film for release, we did so with the idea that it wasn't a completely stupid, violence-glorifying piece of crap," stated Paramount in a release. "Now we realize we were just kidding ourselves."
The shootings have also led to the postponements of events tied to several other upcoming releases, including the Sylvester Stallone vehicle Bullet To The Head, the first-person shooter video game Rise Of The Triad and every program scheduled for airing on the SPIKE TV network.
"We had actually been feeling pretty good about all of these, but suddenly we can't believe we've devoted our lives to marketing ultra-violent trash with absolutely no positive sociological value," said producers. "We're just going to sit quietly in the dark and soul-search for a while."
Meanwhile, the National Rifle Association (NRA) released a statement saying all of those releases looked just find to them, and recommended everybody just go about their business as usual.
WASILLA, Alaska (CAP) - As scientists continue to monitor recent explosions and seismic activity in Alaska's Cleveland Volcano, former Gov. Sarah Palin has informed local media outlets that she can indeed see the volcano from her porch, but that her family is safe and sound.
"Oh, yah, plain as day - it's practically in my back yard," Palin said as she offered chewing tobacco to reporters on her front lawn. "Todd and I were out back rustling up some grouse for dinner when we seen the ash and felt the rumblin'.
"So's I thought to myself, There goes ole Cleveland again!" she added. "But then I started yelling for a Code Pompei because who knows what was gonna happen!"
She explained how she and Todd scooped up all the kids and rushed into the house "just in the nick of time" before two more explosions erupted. She noted that if not for the quick thinking of Piper in grabbing the burlap sack full of grouse, the family might have gone hungry that day.
"She's a trooper, that little Piper!" Palin said. "Wait - or is Trooper one of my other kids? I can never keep track. No, wait! That's it: Track. I knew it began with a T."
Despite her assertions to the contrary, none of the gathered reporters could see the volcano, or any volcano, from any part of the Palin property. Sarah pointed out that because of the rotation of the Earth, it's only visible at certain times of the week.
We decided to take her word for it.
- Banner Stands» Browse banner stands by Post-Up Stand. Trade Show Displays, Retractable Banner Displays, and more. High quality, 48 hour turnaround time!
- Prom Dresses 2013» Searching for the perfect dress to wear on your big night? Take a look from these styles who top the best-dressed lists all the time!