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RELIGION
Mormons Hope Accepting Gays Makes Them Fabulous
SALT LAKE CITY (CAP) - The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints has softened its stance on homosexuality, hoping that a more accepting attitude will lead to a more inclusive and empathetic Mormon church, and also make Mormons seem at least slightly more fabulous.
"Let's face it, even a little bit would be an improvement," said LDS apostle D. Thomas Kristofferson. "We'd be happy just going from zero to one, you know what I'm saying?"
"We've always know there were gay members among us," noted church member Karen Fletcher of Logan, Utah. "They were the ones dressed in something other than polyester, with actual hairstyles."
By being more openly accepting of homosexuals, church leaders are hoping to strengthen bonds within families that have gay members, and also become more of the kind of church that might be associated with fashionable clothes, and campy pop culture references, and gala Broadway musicals.
"Just like an Annie Get Your Gun - not Chicago or anything," noted Kristofferson.
As for gays actually engaging in physical relationships, though, that's still off the table for the Mormon Church, said Kristofferson. "We're not going Evangelical like Rev. Ted Haggard or anything," he clarified.
As for marrying more than one woman, "That's still A-OK," he added.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - In a sweeping and unusual move, the Justice Department has secretly obtained two months' worth of telephone records of journalists working for Cosmopolitan magazine, uncovering in the process hundreds of secret sex tips beyond those published in every issue of the magazine for the last 27 years.
According to Cosmo editor-in-chief Joanna Coles - author of How To Set His Man Bits On Fire, Possibly Literally - federal authorities obtained cellular, office and home telephone records of five individual sex tip reporters and both the Sex Tip Editor and Deputy Sex Tip Editor. She called the Justice Department's actions a "massive and unprecedented intrusion" into sex-tip-gathering activities.
"Which ironically enough would also describe many of our sex tips," she noted.
"We don't just make up these sex tips - they require hours upon hours of interviews and research with sex tip experts, many of them anonymous, for obvious reasons," added Coles. "Okay, we do make up most of them, but we'd rather the Justice Department didn't know that."
Critics of Attorney General Eric Holder have said the sex tip scandal puts a whole new perspective on the 2009 Holder moose meat probe. But Holder said the sex tip subpoenas were vital to national security.
"It's very difficult for our nation's decision makers to concentrate on their important work if their man bits aren't being thrown a party they'll never forget," said Holder, noting that in addition to the trove of sex tips the subpoenas uncovered more than 200 additional synonyms for "man bits."
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