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GENETICS
Biologists Isolate Fabled "Magic Uterus" Gene
STANFORD, Calif. (CAP) - Researchers in Stanford University's Department of Genetics claim to have identified the gene responsible for controlling whether or not a woman gets pregnant following sexual intercourse. Known as MU069, the legendary "Magic Uterus" gene has always been thought to be a myth but now takes its rightful place in the scientific community.
"This is a great day for uterii everywhere," said lead researcher Dr. Ken Rosenkranz. "We have finally debunked the idea that there is some sort of magic taking place inside a woman's uterus, replacing it with cold, hard scientific fact.
"The proof is in the puddy," Rosenkranz added.
While conventional wisdom has held that male sperm and female ovulation were solely responsible for conception success rates, Christian conservatives have long believed that in particular cases of undesirable intercourse, when it comes to pregnancy, "the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down."
"See? I wasn't just making this shit up," said Rep. Todd Akin (R-MO), now credited with bringing about the necessary public awareness of the Magic Uterus theory to allow Stanford geneticists to successfully complete their research.
For the study, the biologists engineered the removal of the MU069 gene from 14 female mice experiencing estrus, or being in heat. The mice were then bred with males and in every single instance achieved pregnancy. The does were then given a serum comprised of proteins meant to enhance the presence of MU069 and forced to breed again. This time, only three of the 14 mice became pregnant.
"We were immediately able to ascertain two things," research assistant Howard snell said. "One, the gonadal hormones produced during follicular growth act on the hypothalamus to suppress further release of MU069, thus preventing ovulation.
"And two, spending nine days watching mice have sex is enough to want to claw your eyes out," Snell noted.
Skeptics are challenging the results of the study and the methods used to achieve the results, questioning whether mice can truly be legitimately raped. However, Magic Uterus support groups have labeled the finding "uterrific" and hope it will lead to further advancements in reproductive capabilities.
"We have only just begun to tap the potential of a woman's uterus," said Leslie Hardish, director of the Akin Center For In Utero Achievements. "There's so much more to do and see in there - it's about time we opened our legs to the possibilities.
"And thanks to luminaries like our namesake, all it takes is a little imagination and a whole lot of chutzpah, and we can turn that magic into reality," Hardish added.
The study will be published in the upcoming issue of the journal Science and presented at the annual gynecologists convention during the Q&A panel, What Has Your Uterus Done For You?
BOSTON (CAP) - Twitter's vast network of assholes is taking credit this week for the location and capture of Boston Marathon bombing suspect Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, noting that without their constant uninformed speculation, it's highly doubtful he would have been found.
"We were tweeting literally 24 hours a day all week about this," noted a Twitter asshole known as @sux4uu. "We had some really good ideas, like that it was fundamentalist Muslim clerics, or renegade priests, or Whitey Bulger."
Though not a single suggestion on Twitter wound up yielding anything close to reality, @sux4uu noted that without their contributions, the investigation would have been "wicked boring."
The assholes also heralded their ongoing transcription and regurgitation of myriad sources, both legitimate and specious - including Tweeting out information from police scanners that officials said could have tipped off the suspect to their strategy.
"We were like doing the media's job for them," said Twitter asshole @PantsHockey, whose scanner Tweets as authorities approached the suspect in Watertown prompted an official response from the Boston Police Department: "Knock it off, asshole!"
"Whatevs. #bostonstrong!," tweeted @PantsHockey in response.
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