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ATLANTA (CAP) - Researchers at the Centers For Disease Control have announced the designation of a new illness that already affects ten to twenty percent of all Americans each year. People suffering from the newly-named FLS exhibit flu-like symptoms that often can be treated with medication.
"It's not quite a cold, not quite the flu - so what is it?" asked Dr. Jenny Williams of the CDC. "Rather than describing the malady as it relates to something it isn't, we felt the time was right to just give it its own name.
"Besides, whenever you throw a nifty little acronym at something, it always makes it sound worse than it really is," Dr. Williams added. "Like our efforts with IBS."
Exactly the problem, notes Eddie Butler of the Department Of Workforce Education, Leadership, And Social Foundations at the University of Georgia. Butler has been leading the charge to halt the CDC from approving the new moniker, saying it represents just what's wrong with America.
"All they're doing is enabling a workforce that already takes dozens of sick days per year to take more sick days," said Butler in a phone interview with CAP News. "And for what? It's. A. Cold. Call it like it is: a cold.
"Now stop being such a wuss and get your friggin' ass into work like the rest of us!" Butler yelled into the phone. "Sorry, got carried away there for a second. But you see where I'm coming from."
Butler said he fears that as time goes on, the true definition of FLS will be lost, and people will toss the term around like migraine, cancer or black lung. "Thankfully my campaign against PMS was successful, or else who the hell knows what kind of excuses women would be using to get out of work," he added.
Dr. Williams said the CDC is working on additional classifications for other dubious sicknesses such as stomach bugs, food poisoning and feeling blah.
WASHINGTON (CAP) - A new study out of the Pew Research Center finds that the wedding of Honey Boo Boo's mother June Shannon to longtime boyfriend Mike Thompson has devalued all marriages to the point where people are ashamed to admit they share the same connubial status as the reality show couple.
"People have been watching the train wreck that is Mama June and Sugar Bear since Honey Boo Boo's Toddlers & Tiaras days and - Oh my God, I can't believe I just said that sentence with a straight face," said Pew spokesman Dr. Francis Spitznagel.
"The bottom line is that 87% of the couples we surveyed wanted to immediately annul their marriages just to ensure they had nothing in common with those two wastoids," Spitznagel added. "The other 13% thought we were talking about a new Yogi Bear movie."
In fact, Spitznagel said the pomp and circumstance of the reality show wedding discredited the very sanctity of marriage to such a degree that not even gays are interested in getting married anymore.
"I've been lobbying for years to be able to marry my longtime boyfriend and it's so close to happening," said St. Paul, Minn. resident Gary Petry. "But now I look at those two and think - is that what I'm fighting for? To have the same tax withholding as them?"
Meanwhile, Middle Class America continues to cry itself to sleep at the thought of how much money that family makes for each episode of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo, which insiders say is "somewhere in the vicinity of $5,000 per fart."
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